Reading for its sake

One day, I found myself deliberately reading faster than I used to.

I was hurriedly leafing the book's pages, I couldn't absorb the words well enough. I was in a rush to finish it because I was too excited to read the next book in line. I also thought it wasn't good for my writing as the author's writing style was far from my taste. It wasn't stimulating my creativity and thus was uninviting to the muse.

I couldn't afford to put the book away and just erase it in my list though. I wanted to finish it. The fact that it fell on to my hands, it was giving me the chance to know its insides. I didn't want to miss whatever it could offer. It certainly was a good book just as I thought in the other days. But I was in a hurry, and I realized that reading it this way is the same as not reading it.

So I closed the book, kept it and promised that I'll get back to it when I'm ready to indulge myself in its beauty again.

What Makes You Happy?

Today, I went home from work feeling empty. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad either. I doubt I was even somewhere in between. I just felt nothing.

I decided not to end my day that way, though. I really wanted to make the day great but I only had the night left for me, so I just wished I'd have a great night. Immediately, I ran to my diary and wrote, "What makes me happy?"

Then I remembered what makes me happy. 

1. Hobbits. I thank Tolkien for inventing hobbits. They're really amazing middle earth creatures. Often, I would imagine myself walking along Shire with huge hairy foot. I would think of how simple life is in there, waking up in a nice sunny morning and freely running with woods, water and sweet smelling grass around. Usually, I'd sit at my desk, get my pen and think I'm Bilbo Baggins writing my tales. 

2. "It's a good life, Hazel Grace." The first time I read this line from John Green's The Fault in our Stars, I wondered if Augustus was right. What is it that he saw in life that makes him say it's actually good? I sought for answers until I realized that John Green meant nothing deep about it. Everything is simply beautiful. And that it's a privilege to merely step onto this world and experience everything it offers - good food, good shelter, good family and friends, good weather, good books, good sleep and more. There are challenges, of course, but they are only to put some flavor. Often, all we have to do is to look around and be thankful.

3. My God up there has already laid His great plans on my timeline. All I have to do is to keep moving until I walk through all of them. I can't wait for God's surprises. Bo Sanchez, in his Take Charge Give All, said that each day is a seed. It's either you plant the seed or throw it. I may not have planted all my seeds but I'm confident I'll grow those that I did. I know God made sure they were laid in the best soil possible. Oh, I just can't wait to see my seeds full-grown and bearing fruits!

Just thinking about these things, I could say that it's been a great night! Indeed, all I needed was a good mindset. Now, I could look up my list every now and then. How about you, what makes you happy?

Hot weather? Think of snow and rain.

Peace

She locked the front door and set off for a walk.

To where, she wasn't sure.

She just wanted to walk her thoughts away.

It was her rest day.

She got a lot of things to do,

but she can't work without peace of mind. 

A gentle wind grazed her skin.

It was a bit cold.

Thank God,

it was such a nice cloudy morning.

"Creak!"

Some dried brown leaf crushed heavily beneath her boot.

Everything seemed like in slow motion,

- the cars, the people around and even the birds in the air.

She wondered.

She brought nothing with her save herself,

but things felt heavy on her shoulders.

She was a little light-headed though.

As she trod the road, the trees swayed their branches 

as if dancing, as if greeting her.

Together, they made music.

She closed her eyes and

listened to the flattering of their leaves.

She lifted her head to meet the sunrays.

Slowly, she felt the heaviness fading.

Nature.

Indeed, there's peace in nature.

Suddenly, something cold fell on her face.

She opened her eyes and wiped it away.

Fluid.

A cold fluid.

Another one fell onto her palm.

Ice crystal.

A snowflake.

* * *

Books

Do You Love Yourself?

I closed the book just as I reached page 75 of Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I never thought the book is this amazing. I heard about this several times, but never attempted to even browse it in bookstores. This book was just recommended to me by my cousin, who is a passionate teacher. She let me borrow her own copy. She said it's her favorite.

Just like my eldest sister, I think that it's best to read novels that use first person perspective. Not only that it looks like a journal writing to me, but it makes me feel like the persona herself is confiding to me and wanting me to be directly involved in her life. Moreover, the book is wonderfully written. I like Elizabeth Gilbert's diction, metaphors and humor. She also has the skill of describing things as if they're in front of you. 

I'm writing this not because I want to write a book review of a novel which I haven't even finished reading yet (just on page 75 out of 445 pages!), but because there's a part of it which I want to contemplate on. Warning: I'm not good at determining what's spoiling and what's not. I only know that if you get to tell how the book ended, that would probably be spoiling. And since I haven't finished it yet, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna do that in the next paragraphs.

Well, there's just this part in the book wherein Liz (Elizabeth Gilbert) saw herself in the mirror of her workplace's elevator. For some reason, she didn't recognize her reflection as herself but as one of her good friends. She stepped closer to the reflection and smiled, eventually realizing that it was actually her.

I realized that I seldom see myself as a friend. Although, I regularly get in touch with my thoughts and feelings through journal writing and contemplation, I still thought that it was difficult to see myself as two separate beings (without being mistaken for having a psychiatric disorder.) However, when I read that part, I felt that it's possible and befriending myself is something which I actually need.

I know that for years, I've not been that good to myself. I get guilty easily and most often than not, unnecessarily. When things involving me go wrong, I feel like I am responsible for it. I often think that if it's not something I did, it's probably something I didn't do. I even get ashamed of myself over little things. I always think, "I could have done it better, or didn't do something like that at all." I often scold myself and get angry at myself. For me, it's always about other people. I'd tell myself, "Forget me, I can do something about it. But other people? They don't know everything about you, so they just react to what you say or do." 

This part of Elizabeth Gilbert's book made me realize that "loving myself" is one important thing I still haven't mastered despite the 22 years of constantly having myself as a company. If only I had realized this fully earlier, probably, I now have "Elaine" as one of my bestfriends. But it's just amazing to know that I can actually care about myself just like how I want to care about others; that it's possible to see myself as if I'm looking at somebody else; that I can say my name as dearly as I would state the name of the person I love, and; that I can feed, bathe and dress myself while thinking, "I don't want Elaine to go hungry; she might get an ulcer," or "I'm going to wash sweat and dirt off of Elaine's skin and put a nice fitting pajama on her, so she'll have a goodnight's sleep," or "I want Elaine to look presentable, so she'll feel confident about herself," or "I want Elaine to be at her best, so she could reach her dreams." 

Funny this may seem but I hope that someday, when I see myself in a mirrored wall just like Liz, I wouldn't just smile at my reflection but run to her for a hug.