I'm in pain.

I'm in pain,

and it's an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to grow in love,

to be stronger,

to be wiser.

I'm in pain,

but I'll be better.

Walking on Thin Ice

You once told me you're walking on thin ice,

but actually we both are.

Not on the same thin ice, though.

Yours, you know, I can do nothing about.

Helpless you are, but mine is you.

You are my thin ice.

Each day, I must be careful not to make a crack.

As much as possible, I should put so light a weight

that must, sometimes, be even lighter than my body weight.

It's exhausting to fight with gravity,

and even more, to walk on your thin ice

when I can actually see the nearby solid ground.

So for several times, I've stumbled.

I've faltered.

I have not just made cracks;

I've made huge holes.

For many times, I've fallen,
submerged in your ice cold river.

I almost died,

caught by your coldness that chilled not just my skin

but everything that's deep beneath it.

It froze my whole being, nearly to death.

Yet for the umpteenth time, I've fought it all

and have swam back to that light.

That light which never failed to assure me

that someday I will again feel

the warmth I've been longing for.

Pain can either destroy you or make you better

What can pain do to you?
Pain can either destroy you or make you better.

Pain can destroy you if it learns that you don't like it.
You feel it, and it lingers.
You fight it really really hard,
and lose, realizing that it won't go away.
Now you're too weak that pain can envelope your whole being.
It nests within you
that you can't help but let it multiply.
Now, you're still in pain.
It's just that you feel more of it.

Pain can make you better if it learns that you accept it.
You feel it, and it lingers.
You allow yourself to feel it.
You allow it to linger.
Then you let it out,
cry it hard with an inch of pain escaping from every teardrop.
Until you can't cry anymore,
and feel pain no longer.

Why are you here?

"Why am I here," used to be the question I utter first thing in the morning. Even before I stretched out my muscles, I would sense the heaviness of my every breath. I would tell myself, "I am alive," and know at the back of my mind that it's for a purpose.

My everyday used to feel like a chase for "purpose." For some reason, I felt like my purpose was hiding from me. I thought it was a hopeless search. I've tried looking for it in my current job, with the people I love, through distant strangers, by the rocks I had stumbled upon, between the words of the books I read, within the context of occurrences and even going beyond and outside the boxes. I was so eager to find it! but only to find out that each path was a dead end. I was not happy.

One afternoon, I decided to breathe all my questions out to God. That time I was in a chapel with the person closest to my heart; he was praying beside me. The chapel was enormous, or maybe solely in my sight. Yet I was sure, the place was filled with an air of reverence - silent but not ringing silence. The place was tranquil, I must say. I then lifted my eyes to its ceiling, somehow facing the heaven . . . or maybe, searching for heaven. Then in my mind, I called, "Lord."

That moment, I felt like His eyes met mine and that we just had an eye contact. From my spiritual periphery, I saw His cheeks lifting and His lips was spreading to a smile. I never had an eye contact so blind yet assuring akin to that. It was wonderful.

His bright smile magnified the darkness of my heart, though. And that was when I started throwing Him a multitude of questions. I honestly cannot remember what those were, but I can still vividly recall how it felt to have my baggage gradually pulled away from me, making me light and having my knees bear only my weight. Oh, God was so patient with me.

Today, I must admit that I still don't know exactly why I am here. And I don't think I will ever know it. However, after that encounter, God made me realize that life should not be a chase for purpose - it is fulfilling whatever it may be in any way possible. So how can I live by my purpose? Two things: 1) Live my way. 2) Love my way. Maybe the reason why God made me different from others is because I have a special purpose which can only be fulfilled through exactly being me.

Now, all God wants is for me to hold His hand and together, we keep moving. The road may seem dangerous, narrow or steep, but I should keep moving. Even when we might seem lost or we seem to need to retrace our steps or turn around, I should just keep moving.

Since then, whenever rough days come and push me to asking, "Why am I here?" I would look heavenward, imagine God smiling and saying, "Just hold my hand, and trust that You are where I want you to be."

Must I regret

I am asking you,

must I regret?

Must I regret that I thought of you more than you thought of me,

or that I wanted to be with you more than you wanted to be with me?

Must I regret that I told you how much I cared,

or that I wanted you to at least care too?

Must I regret that I waited for you,

or that I assumed that you'd be happy to know I was waiting?

Must I regret that I let myself be deeply hurt by you?

or that I gave you chance for an nth time?

Must I regret that I loved you this much,

or that I let you know it?

Please tell me,

must I regret?

But should I regret now though I know

that just regretting is the worst I can do?

That day your dream comes true

I've been longing for that day

when finally I'd get to be

where I know I should be

and do what my heart desires.

That day, I'd wake up in the morning

with a smile on my face and glitter on my eyes.

and with a thankful heart I'd say,

"My dream comes true today."

That day, I'd take a refreshing bath,

wear my best clothes and shoes,

fix my hair, put on my make-up,

all to bring my best self forward.

That day, I would pour forth

the wisdom and knowledge I acquired

over the years of my study,

and I'd do it all with enthusiasm.

That day, I'd spread love,

touch everyone and everything with love,

and leave love in everyone and everything

and still, love would be overpouring within.

That day, however, there could be suffering

or challenges, failure and pain.

My passion would be tested,

my strength and will would be put into the fire.

That day, I'd certainly go home,

hungry, exhausted, maxed out

but still, with a smile on my eyes and glitter on my eyes

and with a grateful heart, I'd say,

"Hey, my dream comes true today."

Why God is enough for me

Dearest God,

I am sending You my BIG THANKS for being with me far more than anyone can.

You know me well even more than I know myself. You also know how I typically don't say everything that's in my mind and more so, of the reason why I don't. Thank You for I need not to explain myself to You just to be understood.

You've seen the noisiest, most chaotic and bewildered state of my mind. And probably, You are fully aware that I can't always lean on someone to appease it. Thank You for being patient with me, for listening to all my doubts and worries and finally, for telling me what to do during these times.

Whenever I'm scared or feeling blue, I know I can always call You. The thing is, I need not to worry if your cellphone is low batt; or if you would be home if I'd call your landline number; or if you're sleeping or busy; or if you would be unwilling to help me. Despite this big world You're ruling, You've always been available to aid me. Thank You for caring for me as if I'm the only person in the world.

I find confidence in You - something I constantly need. You know how weak I am in the inside. Though I usually forget my worth, You persistently give me means to remember it. Thank You for occasionally reminding me how beautiful and awesome I am in Your eyes. Thank You for having faith in me even whenever I lose faith in myself.

You're already pleased with me even before I make an effort to. I can imagine that You smile and laugh easily, and I really like that. Thank You for tolerating my silly jokes and for appreciating the little things I offer You just like this letter. You're an almighty, all-powerful and all-knowing God. You are totally out of my league, yet you've made it so easy for me to love You.

Do you know that whenever I look up the sky, I feel incredibly fine? Lord, how can you be up there and here with me at the same time?

God, You are enough for me.

Yours always and (please!) forever,

Elaine