Why She Cried When He Died

I opened my eyes to mornings, knowing you'll be around - probably beside me, still sleeping. Or somewhere in the living room or kitchen, starting your day.

It had just been the two of us, with no child to think about - God's mystery - but at least, with a foster daughter whom your sister sometimes brought to our care. Years made me grow so familiar with every inch of you. You and me. Your skin and my skin. Your clothes and my clothes. Your school of fish in the aquarium and the dishes I cooked which you liked - and of course, our house where many family reunions turned into a blast.

But here you are now, lying behind this glass, in a barong you didn't know we bought you. You're seemingly smiling - even seemingly peaceful - but for me, you have just become beyond reach in all sense. Your body which I've known for years is now solely a vessel, an object that remains still, wilting, turning into ashes. This glass seems to draw an end to us - no more hugs, no more kisses, no more scent that only your body owns.

I am asking, how will I face the following days? Of waking up beside an empty space on our bed, of eating with an empty chair, of keeping empty clothes that would no longer need some washing.

Things will change.

Things have to change.

And life will be new not only for me...
but also for you.

*For my aunt who grieves, and for my uncle, her husband, who reads this from heaven.*

You Have Wings

I realized, I have wings.

I wasn't aware until I was forced to spread them to save my life.

You opened the cage then I looked down. The ground seemed so far below me. I looked back at my place and stepped backward. I thought that if you wanted me free, it wasn't possible. I'd fall and die if I'd get out of my cage. I decided to stay for a while but not for so long.

Not long enough 'cause the moment you opened the door, you forgot about me. You stopped feeding me. You stopped giving me water to drink. You never visited me again for chitchats or quick tickles. You never even laid your eyes on me again. I became non-existent. Non-existent to your world, at least.

Because looking out, I could see a bigger world - the vast sky, steep mountains, blue ocean and wide terraces. I wondered, how much could it offer? I was thin and starving. I was thirsty. I was yearning. I still waited though. I waited until I turned skin and bones with scorched tongue and weak heart.

Then one day, I breathed deeply. I knew I deserved to live, to be cared for, to be happy. I looked at the sky. It was calm and radiant. I turned ahead of me, to the opened door. Hey, I was free. Rather, I could be free. What are the possibilities? So with renewed strength, I closed my eyes and bent my knees. Then like a springboard, I jumped out of the cage with all my might.

I jumped as high and far as I could, trusting that something from the huge world would catch me. But nothing did even brush my skin. I felt nothing. Not even a bump. I heard not even a thump. I opened my eyes.

I was on top of everything, almost touching the sky. I was free. Oh, I could fly!

I realized, I have wings.

Off the Cliff

I've reached the edge, at last!

I used to be afraid of falling,

but I am now in a point

where I can care no longer

about where the wind would take me

or if I'd die or survive with broken bones.

I just want to get away from here,

from this beautifully ruined place,

from the memories embedded

up to its dust and ashes.

This place has died long ago.

No more green leaves or tall trees,

no more clean air or water,

no more warmth in houses,

no more hope nor love.

But there's another place,

another side, another destiny,

waiting for me.

Is it down there?

Then I would have to fall

and get hurt.

However, if it's that one across,

then God would surely make me fly.

Nevertheless, one thing is for sure,

I've reached the edge, at last!

It's time to leave everything behind

and step off of the cliff,

with my arms spread like wings,

with my eyes closed,

and finally, with my heart light.

Why we can't see through His eyes

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

especially now that things are unfathomable,

and my suffering feels interminable.

What will tomorrow bring?

Is it something better, wonderful, beautiful?

What is ahead of me that I cannot see?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord

because all I could see now is a huge boulder.

Should I cross over? It could be too steep.

Should I crush it? It could take me years.

Should I change my path? I could be wrong.

Would whatever lies behind be worth it?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

for I see nothing now but thick fog and black smoke.

Everything seems like a chaotic blur.

Truly, whatever's painful to behold, the eyes distort.

How vivid things are for You, Lord?

What is it that I fail to see?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord.

Bring me hope. Give me light!

Tell me what's on the other side.

Tell me how the story ends.

And then what? Would I be happier?

No, the question is, would it make me wiser?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

but if I could, what would be there to believe in?

If I could, would I be stronger?

If I could, would I still strive to become better?

If I could, would my love for You get deeper?
If I could, would I realize what matters most?

When it is still the right word

It was just too great, I was at a loss for words.

I found out, only my tears could carry its substance,

and I could only be appeased through silent prayers.

Pain is not the right word but something more than that.

It was deep, dull and numbing.

Sometimes, it could be very sharp

that I didn't even notice I was broken into pieces.

No, pain isn't the right word.

All I knew was it was too great, I looked okay.

It started the morning after that one fine day,

when I knew I had to start facing atypical days

'cause you're no longer in it.

Every dream I had wafted away, deferred.

It crushed me or something more than that.

It was too unbearable that it kindled a fire of hope in me.

I suddenly felt that God's eyes were on me, on us,

and He knew my heart, your heart.

Then it dawned on me what word I was looking for.

I guess, I just had it in another form, but still...

love is the right word.

Not the same as before

That space was left empty long enough for her not to be afraid of losing.

Its emptiness has become part of her body rhythm.

She used to be happy merely with waking up in the morning,
and remembering that somebody loves her.

When everything turned uncontrollably otherwise,
that happiness melted and evaporated to thin air.

She was left wounded and bled almost to death,
yet she stood up and regained strength.

Slowly, she saw what has always been there for her.

She felt the warmth of sunrays on her face,
she recognized the fragrance of flowers,
and she saw promising hope in the sky.

Certainly, everything changed.

It's just his world changed first.

That space filled with the old, dependent and feeble kind of happiness
was replaced with an impenetrable and indestructible one.

She's free.

She's happier.

She's tougher.

She's wiser.

She's gonna be great.

She's me.

Walking on Thin Ice

You once told me you're walking on thin ice,

but actually we both are.

Not on the same thin ice, though.

Yours, you know, I can do nothing about.

Helpless you are, but mine is you.

You are my thin ice.

Each day, I must be careful not to make a crack.

As much as possible, I should put so light a weight

that must, sometimes, be even lighter than my body weight.

It's exhausting to fight with gravity,

and even more, to walk on your thin ice

when I can actually see the nearby solid ground.

So for several times, I've stumbled.

I've faltered.

I have not just made cracks;

I've made huge holes.

For many times, I've fallen,
submerged in your ice cold river.

I almost died,

caught by your coldness that chilled not just my skin

but everything that's deep beneath it.

It froze my whole being, nearly to death.

Yet for the umpteenth time, I've fought it all

and have swam back to that light.

That light which never failed to assure me

that someday I will again feel

the warmth I've been longing for.

When things seem to not go your way...

In the last few months, I tried holding everything in my hands. I wanted to make sure that I was using my freedom enough to fulfill my deepest desires. I never dared to waste a single minute of each day. I woke up every morning, wrote my plans for the day, and followed them in every letter. I felt in total control, and thus in total responsibility of my future.

Little by little, I saw my career plans being torn away. I saw how my dreams seemed to become impossible. I held on even to the tiniest spark of hope left in me. I stumbled several times, got frustrated and disappointed, but stood up again.

I'm warning you reader, that this won't end like any other successful stories you may be expecting. Because until now, I can't say that I've already reached my dreams and accomplished my career goals. Worst is, I'm now already shambling to different directions, confused of where the right path is. However, if there's one thing worth telling and sharing about all this, that is - I have learned how to surrender.

I learned that surrendering isn't a sign of weakness, nor of defeat. I realized that it is fine to surrender when you know you've done all you can, and still couldn't win the battle. Moreover, the question of how you surrendered is another thing. Did you just lie yourself there in the battlefield and feigned death? Did you step backward, and just took some time to rest? Or did you press the SOS button, and let your hero win the battle for you?

I loosened my grip and surrendered everything to God. I realized that some things, especially those which I can't control, really do need divine intervention. I realized that there is a God who stays on my side - a God who is far wiser and stronger enough to win any battle; a God who loves me and cares for me than I to myself; a God who always, always has better plans. Now, everything feels lighter. And I appreciate my freedom more than ever.