Why Do I Write Again?

I had forgotten why.

I ignored the muse many times this month because I could not find time for writing. It was painful. I let my pen and paper be squeezed at the bottom of my workload, and it took me some pulling out, whittling down and sickness before I got to them again. To my surprise, when I finally got hold of them, I felt like I no longer know how to write.

My writing skills seemed to have deteriorated. Every day I would be in a room full of space, and have a desk waiting. There, I would sit and write. But not write at all. Not a single word appealed to me and whenever any did, it won't be of beauty. It was a huge writer's block. In those barren days, I saw my writing skills molting before me. And it was because I neglected it, left it in a corner, and forgot about it for a long time.

Or perhaps, it wasn't really about my writing skills.

The black ink resembled my mood. Empty papers felt familiar. And the drear blinks of the cursor resounded the rhythm of my week. Man, it was me all along. I wanted words, but they weren't coming because I was pulling them out from a void or an empty cavern. I was the one deteriorating, the one molting, the one who was empty.

Why do I write again? was the question.

I turned to God for answers. Then I talked to people. Then I rested. Then read books. And read books. And read more books. Then finally, I remembered what I have forgotten.

I forgot the joy of expressing myself with art, of creating a world and bringing my readers in it, of listening to people and immortalizing their stories in paper.

I forgot love.

Flash of Inspiration

I've never seen the sun shining that bright.

It was warm and calming,

and it sent fire into my heart.

Then that fire kept on burning.

It seemed akin to the first time some rays were upon me

Yet this time, it was lighter,
more peaceful and more beautiful.

Everything seemed to be set in the right place.

It grew, and got warmer and warmer

until it crept into my bones, my heart, my mind.

It has been with me all the time ever since.

It nourishes me, inspires me,
and forces me to become better.

Until this sinks in and disperses, 

I'll move forward, upward.

Someday, I'll touch that sun and won't burn,

for by then we'll be sharing the same warmth.

When God makes you an educator

You placed me here.

I had been asking for a job where I could serve You well, and You placed me here.

Help me keep my eyes on You, Lord. Always remind me that my ultimate goal is love, and that love has a beauty my whole being would willingly drench in. I want to put more soul in every work of my hands. I want to have You in everything that I do.

I'm going to be an educator. I'm going to teach innocent minds, touch pure hearts and guide vulnerable hands. Lord, as early as now, I'm placing them not on my palms but on Yours. I am not in any way deserving to hold such precious lives, but I want to serve You and this is one way I could.

Use me. Mold me into an angel who uses her wings to lift spirits, her warm hands to assure security, her halo to always make the right decisions and her words to bring enlightenment. Make me my students' angel.

I trust You, Lord. And so now, I declare, I won't just be an educator but I'll be the best educator as You know I could be.

Amen.

I missed riding an airplane

When I was a kid, every time my eyes caught an airplane flying high in the sky, I would wonder how I'd be just like a speck of dirt or a dot from the eyes of those who peered out of their window that time. Then I would draw the shape of the slowly moving tiny figure in between my fingers, amazed by how a-once-gigantic vehicle suddenly turned measly and weak and manipulable on my fingertips.

And so, whenever my mother and I (or sometimes with my sisters and father too), rode an airplane, I usually would assert my way near the window. I was so excited to see the world at a top view that I could not afford to lose my chance.

Once the plane took off, I'd smile, brace myself and wait for the pressure to build in my ear. I would know that we were above the earth once things felt smooth underneath and my ears completely blocked. While faking a yawn, I'd turn my head towards the window. And alas! I'd see everything below suddenly turning into a wide doll world. The higher we got, the more slow-moving, easier and manageable things became.

I missed riding an airplane. Now that I've grown older, I feel like I've forgotten how things look from the top view. The world have gotten too big and complicated - sometimes, even too huge to understand. There are moments when I feel like the earth's above me, or at my shoulders, or like I'm buried deep in a mud. Everything has turned fast, difficult and overwhelming.

From time to time, I feel like I need to see that wide doll world again. I need to remember how it is to see at a top view, where everything's slow-moving, easy and manageable. However, this time, it's my life, my world that I want to look at. How does my world move, looking from the top view? How are my relationships going? How about my work? My school? My faith? My decisions? Myself? How about conflicts? Tasks? Responsibilities?

Probably, beholding life from above would make my hands seem big enough to do all the revamps - put houses in their proper places, turn buildings around, push mountains a little farther, re-paint walls with a single stroke and clean all trash with one grab. Yeah, just like that.

I missed riding an airplane, but I cannot now. However, I could close my eyes anytime and imagine myself going up, up and up! And perhaps, once I open my eyes, everything will seem possible.

Have faith, my friend

Have faith, my friend 

Even when your prayers seem unanswered,

and you can't get what you want.

Even when you're in need of help and comfort,

and nobody seems to be there for you.

Even when the one you love can't love you back.

Even when people hate you, mock you and insult you.

Even when you lose someone/something

who/which you know is irreplaceable.

Even when waiting seems endless

and becomes utterly painful.

Even when your job gets harder . . . 

and harder and harder.

Even when you barely see hope.

Even amid hunger and thirst.

Even amid natural disaster and war.

Even when in physical pain.

Even when the world isn't being fair.

Have faith, my friend. 

Just hold on.

The world may abandon you,

but God never will.

Can't get yourself to work? Inspire yourself first.

Have you ever felt empty at work? Are you waking up in the morning just because you have to? You know well that you're the one who chose where you are now. More so, you're fully aware that you are to blame if you're already feeling bad at work.

I think, we all have the "bad days." And one possible reason for that is we're not inspired all the time. Whether we love our job or not, it's just that inspiration seems to drain itself like water in a glass with tiny holes. So what are we gonna do? Fill it again. Let's inspire ourselves.

Questions is . . . what inspires you? One good thing I realized about inspiration is that you can get it anywhere. It may be in the form of your favorite song, or of a soothing classical music. You may find it in that picture of your friends or family which you slipped in your wallet. Or maybe, it's in your old notebook - that beautiful piece you wrote when you were in fourth grade. Try to talk to your sibling or trusted friend, and you might get inspiration from the words they're gonna say. If you're studying medicine, you might want to watch an episode of House since Dr. House used to inspire you to become a physician.

Now, let me share to you where I get my inspiration. The problem with me is that the holes of my glass are too large that I empty myself with inspiration easily. In that case, I cannot always bother my loved ones to help bring me back to that game mode. Therefore, I am often provoked to find that inspiration on my own. So here's quite a list of my sources of inspiration. Knowing mine might do some help to you too. It's gonna be great to have the same list as you!   

Sun rays Through Clouds

For me, such sight is holy. What I love about traveling in the morning is having the chance of beholding the vast clear sky. And I don't know why, but whenever I see the sun rays passing through clouds, I feel like Someone's gonna descend from heaven. And I just can't take my eyes of it each time. Merely looking at such view can (abnormally) make me feel at peace.

Self-Help Books

I can't remember where I learned this, but I've been applying this self-help-book-first-thing-in-the-morning rule for 2 years now. A motivational writer said that one way to start your day right is to read an inspirational book or passage. Feed your mind with good words, and good things will come to you. 

What I do is I read a page or more of a certain self-help book each morning. Once I finish it, I put on another book which is again, assigned to be read solely every morning.

Quotable quotes

I think this is effective for most of us, especially today that heaps of quotable quotes are very searchable. One inspirational author said that if you can, post on your wall or anywhere noticeable the quotes or lines that inspire you. This can help you build optimism. I actually tried this once. I pulled out a clean paper, wrote the line, "God promises that good things will come to you" on it, then pasted it on the wall atop of my desk. Now, whenever I see that paper, I remember holding on to God's promise and I start forgetting all my worries.

I also regularly search for quotes on the internet and copy-paste some of them in a folder in my computer. I bet some people do the same thing too. 

Pen and Paper

I love writing. And just like all others out there who love this craft, I do experience writer's block. Nevertheless, what inspires me to stay on my chair and provoke the muse, are the pictures of fountain pens and old notebooks/papers in the internet. When I was still a kid, I was contented looking at the empty pages of notebooks in the market. I felt like I can fill them all in with my writings and drawings. Now that I'm older, it shouldn't just be an ordinary pen but a fountain pen, and the paper must either be from Moleskine or Papemelroti (Just kidding. Hihi.) I actually feel free with just holding a pen or putting my fingers on the keyboard. 

Praying the Rosary

I admit that I seldom pray the rosary. Why say a long prayer when you can utter a short sincere one? However, each time I find that willingness to pray the rosary, and start it...then finish it, I feel my heart bursting with hope and inspiration. Indeed, there is always this strange enlightenment which only praying the rosary can bring.

Aside from the 'rosary' itself, I also find reciting the 'Chaplet of the Divine Mercy' with the same effect. It is the prayer which is said to be taught to Sr. Faustina by Jesus Christ himself. To pray it, you can use the beads of your rosary too. 

The Single Dot Metaphor

Inwardly, I am a problematic person. By that I mean, I feel I've become a problem myself because I usually THINK I got an awful lot of 'difficult' things to deal with. Well, surely there are a bunch of people out there who think like me (I'm just trying to console myself). Anyhow, the point is we are the ones who create our own problems. A psychologist/writer, M. Scott Peck, said in his book The Road Less Traveled that the things that mar us or affect us emotionally are what we repute as problems. Thus, the question is: however bad the situation you're into may seem, would you allow it to emotionally deface you?

One day, in the middle of a diversion, I realized that M. Scott Peck stated a downright truth which deserves a second thought. I came to put it in analogy with the 'single dot metaphor.' I remembered that several times in my life, I looked at that one tiny dot in the middle of a white sheet of paper. That I've become, metaphorically, too "OC" or "Obsessive Compulsive" to notice the single dot and ignore the vast clean space around it. I rigidly thought that the paper isn't 'clean' anymore because of that speck of dirt. And as I erased one dot, another filled in a little space. Then, another dot, and another, and more. I was overwhelmed by the seemed-to-be-black-nits on the paper, but I ignored the empty space which remained wider than them.

Sometimes we tend to focus too much on a problem. We don't know that the more we look at it, the bigger it gets (or so it would seem). The more we submerge our thoughts in it, the more we become emotionally involved in the problem. More so, we usually forget that life isn't perfect. That in life, there's no such thing as 'clean slate.' What solely exists is 'perspective.' Change your perspective, and you'll change your life. Don't get too swayed by failures; look at your successes. Allow yourself to falter; it will help strengthen your knees. Get hurt, and feel the pain - it only means you're still alive. Behold the brighter side of life. To a positive mind, the heart listens.

By this, I recommend the following books. Look 'em up in Bookstores!

• Your Best Life Begins Each Morning by Joel Osteen
• Make Today Count by John C. Maxwell
• How Your Words Can Change Your World by Bo Sanchez

The Books Told me What Passion is

The first thing I did after I took the licensure exam was indulge myself in reading. I really did miss the chimerical world of literature; moreover, I missed reading books of my own choice. I even created a Goodreads account, just so to see new releases, reviews and prospect books I may soon read.

Fussy reader as I was, I felt that the novels I've read rendered profound effects in me. One remarkable abstraction which I think I've imbibed from books was passion - starting from Ayn Rand's Howard Roark (The Fountainhead) and Hank Rearden (Atlas Shrugged) to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous Sherlock Holmes. I realized that there was a resounding implication of passion that was personified in these brilliant fictional characters. I was moved by how they fought for, come hell or high water, and lived with what they love doing. They found joy in honing their skills. They found a reason for existence. In the end, these characters turned out to be, not only the experts in their field, but also the happiest men who ever lived. What would the world be if filled with passionate men? 

And so, I tried searching for that wonderful thing in me. They say, it's innate. People only have to find it in them.

The very first thing I did was ask myself, "What sort of person do I want to become someday?" I wrote down my answers to my journal notebook then reflected on them. Initially, I felt hopeless for I found my answers to be bum and indecisive. I, then thought of Google. I opened my laptop and made some research. Halloa! I found these:

• How to Know if Your Dreams are God's Dreams by Bo Sanchez. (This is an eBook. Grab here a copy for free!)
• Passion test and advice from the Attwood couple.
• 11 Incredibly Simple Ways to Find Passion, Right Now by Henri Juntilla.

I obeyed the instructions indicated in the reading materials. I internalized everything it said. I tried to take Attwood's passion advice by heart. Plus, I talked to my sisters and cousin about this. I, as well, asked for God's help.

Aaaaand, alas! I found my passion. 

When things seem to not go your way...

In the last few months, I tried holding everything in my hands. I wanted to make sure that I was using my freedom enough to fulfill my deepest desires. I never dared to waste a single minute of each day. I woke up every morning, wrote my plans for the day, and followed them in every letter. I felt in total control, and thus in total responsibility of my future.

Little by little, I saw my career plans being torn away. I saw how my dreams seemed to become impossible. I held on even to the tiniest spark of hope left in me. I stumbled several times, got frustrated and disappointed, but stood up again.

I'm warning you reader, that this won't end like any other successful stories you may be expecting. Because until now, I can't say that I've already reached my dreams and accomplished my career goals. Worst is, I'm now already shambling to different directions, confused of where the right path is. However, if there's one thing worth telling and sharing about all this, that is - I have learned how to surrender.

I learned that surrendering isn't a sign of weakness, nor of defeat. I realized that it is fine to surrender when you know you've done all you can, and still couldn't win the battle. Moreover, the question of how you surrendered is another thing. Did you just lie yourself there in the battlefield and feigned death? Did you step backward, and just took some time to rest? Or did you press the SOS button, and let your hero win the battle for you?

I loosened my grip and surrendered everything to God. I realized that some things, especially those which I can't control, really do need divine intervention. I realized that there is a God who stays on my side - a God who is far wiser and stronger enough to win any battle; a God who loves me and cares for me than I to myself; a God who always, always has better plans. Now, everything feels lighter. And I appreciate my freedom more than ever.