You Have Wings

I realized, I have wings.

I wasn't aware until I was forced to spread them to save my life.

You opened the cage then I looked down. The ground seemed so far below me. I looked back at my place and stepped backward. I thought that if you wanted me free, it wasn't possible. I'd fall and die if I'd get out of my cage. I decided to stay for a while but not for so long.

Not long enough 'cause the moment you opened the door, you forgot about me. You stopped feeding me. You stopped giving me water to drink. You never visited me again for chitchats or quick tickles. You never even laid your eyes on me again. I became non-existent. Non-existent to your world, at least.

Because looking out, I could see a bigger world - the vast sky, steep mountains, blue ocean and wide terraces. I wondered, how much could it offer? I was thin and starving. I was thirsty. I was yearning. I still waited though. I waited until I turned skin and bones with scorched tongue and weak heart.

Then one day, I breathed deeply. I knew I deserved to live, to be cared for, to be happy. I looked at the sky. It was calm and radiant. I turned ahead of me, to the opened door. Hey, I was free. Rather, I could be free. What are the possibilities? So with renewed strength, I closed my eyes and bent my knees. Then like a springboard, I jumped out of the cage with all my might.

I jumped as high and far as I could, trusting that something from the huge world would catch me. But nothing did even brush my skin. I felt nothing. Not even a bump. I heard not even a thump. I opened my eyes.

I was on top of everything, almost touching the sky. I was free. Oh, I could fly!

I realized, I have wings.

I missed riding an airplane

When I was a kid, every time my eyes caught an airplane flying high in the sky, I would wonder how I'd be just like a speck of dirt or a dot from the eyes of those who peered out of their window that time. Then I would draw the shape of the slowly moving tiny figure in between my fingers, amazed by how a-once-gigantic vehicle suddenly turned measly and weak and manipulable on my fingertips.

And so, whenever my mother and I (or sometimes with my sisters and father too), rode an airplane, I usually would assert my way near the window. I was so excited to see the world at a top view that I could not afford to lose my chance.

Once the plane took off, I'd smile, brace myself and wait for the pressure to build in my ear. I would know that we were above the earth once things felt smooth underneath and my ears completely blocked. While faking a yawn, I'd turn my head towards the window. And alas! I'd see everything below suddenly turning into a wide doll world. The higher we got, the more slow-moving, easier and manageable things became.

I missed riding an airplane. Now that I've grown older, I feel like I've forgotten how things look from the top view. The world have gotten too big and complicated - sometimes, even too huge to understand. There are moments when I feel like the earth's above me, or at my shoulders, or like I'm buried deep in a mud. Everything has turned fast, difficult and overwhelming.

From time to time, I feel like I need to see that wide doll world again. I need to remember how it is to see at a top view, where everything's slow-moving, easy and manageable. However, this time, it's my life, my world that I want to look at. How does my world move, looking from the top view? How are my relationships going? How about my work? My school? My faith? My decisions? Myself? How about conflicts? Tasks? Responsibilities?

Probably, beholding life from above would make my hands seem big enough to do all the revamps - put houses in their proper places, turn buildings around, push mountains a little farther, re-paint walls with a single stroke and clean all trash with one grab. Yeah, just like that.

I missed riding an airplane, but I cannot now. However, I could close my eyes anytime and imagine myself going up, up and up! And perhaps, once I open my eyes, everything will seem possible.

The Single Dot Metaphor

Inwardly, I am a problematic person. By that I mean, I feel I've become a problem myself because I usually THINK I got an awful lot of 'difficult' things to deal with. Well, surely there are a bunch of people out there who think like me (I'm just trying to console myself). Anyhow, the point is we are the ones who create our own problems. A psychologist/writer, M. Scott Peck, said in his book The Road Less Traveled that the things that mar us or affect us emotionally are what we repute as problems. Thus, the question is: however bad the situation you're into may seem, would you allow it to emotionally deface you?

One day, in the middle of a diversion, I realized that M. Scott Peck stated a downright truth which deserves a second thought. I came to put it in analogy with the 'single dot metaphor.' I remembered that several times in my life, I looked at that one tiny dot in the middle of a white sheet of paper. That I've become, metaphorically, too "OC" or "Obsessive Compulsive" to notice the single dot and ignore the vast clean space around it. I rigidly thought that the paper isn't 'clean' anymore because of that speck of dirt. And as I erased one dot, another filled in a little space. Then, another dot, and another, and more. I was overwhelmed by the seemed-to-be-black-nits on the paper, but I ignored the empty space which remained wider than them.

Sometimes we tend to focus too much on a problem. We don't know that the more we look at it, the bigger it gets (or so it would seem). The more we submerge our thoughts in it, the more we become emotionally involved in the problem. More so, we usually forget that life isn't perfect. That in life, there's no such thing as 'clean slate.' What solely exists is 'perspective.' Change your perspective, and you'll change your life. Don't get too swayed by failures; look at your successes. Allow yourself to falter; it will help strengthen your knees. Get hurt, and feel the pain - it only means you're still alive. Behold the brighter side of life. To a positive mind, the heart listens.

By this, I recommend the following books. Look 'em up in Bookstores!

• Your Best Life Begins Each Morning by Joel Osteen
• Make Today Count by John C. Maxwell
• How Your Words Can Change Your World by Bo Sanchez

When things seem to not go your way...

In the last few months, I tried holding everything in my hands. I wanted to make sure that I was using my freedom enough to fulfill my deepest desires. I never dared to waste a single minute of each day. I woke up every morning, wrote my plans for the day, and followed them in every letter. I felt in total control, and thus in total responsibility of my future.

Little by little, I saw my career plans being torn away. I saw how my dreams seemed to become impossible. I held on even to the tiniest spark of hope left in me. I stumbled several times, got frustrated and disappointed, but stood up again.

I'm warning you reader, that this won't end like any other successful stories you may be expecting. Because until now, I can't say that I've already reached my dreams and accomplished my career goals. Worst is, I'm now already shambling to different directions, confused of where the right path is. However, if there's one thing worth telling and sharing about all this, that is - I have learned how to surrender.

I learned that surrendering isn't a sign of weakness, nor of defeat. I realized that it is fine to surrender when you know you've done all you can, and still couldn't win the battle. Moreover, the question of how you surrendered is another thing. Did you just lie yourself there in the battlefield and feigned death? Did you step backward, and just took some time to rest? Or did you press the SOS button, and let your hero win the battle for you?

I loosened my grip and surrendered everything to God. I realized that some things, especially those which I can't control, really do need divine intervention. I realized that there is a God who stays on my side - a God who is far wiser and stronger enough to win any battle; a God who loves me and cares for me than I to myself; a God who always, always has better plans. Now, everything feels lighter. And I appreciate my freedom more than ever.