Off the Cliff

I've reached the edge, at last!

I used to be afraid of falling,

but I am now in a point

where I can care no longer

about where the wind would take me

or if I'd die or survive with broken bones.

I just want to get away from here,

from this beautifully ruined place,

from the memories embedded

up to its dust and ashes.

This place has died long ago.

No more green leaves or tall trees,

no more clean air or water,

no more warmth in houses,

no more hope nor love.

But there's another place,

another side, another destiny,

waiting for me.

Is it down there?

Then I would have to fall

and get hurt.

However, if it's that one across,

then God would surely make me fly.

Nevertheless, one thing is for sure,

I've reached the edge, at last!

It's time to leave everything behind

and step off of the cliff,

with my arms spread like wings,

with my eyes closed,

and finally, with my heart light.

Why we can't see through His eyes

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

especially now that things are unfathomable,

and my suffering feels interminable.

What will tomorrow bring?

Is it something better, wonderful, beautiful?

What is ahead of me that I cannot see?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord

because all I could see now is a huge boulder.

Should I cross over? It could be too steep.

Should I crush it? It could take me years.

Should I change my path? I could be wrong.

Would whatever lies behind be worth it?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

for I see nothing now but thick fog and black smoke.

Everything seems like a chaotic blur.

Truly, whatever's painful to behold, the eyes distort.

How vivid things are for You, Lord?

What is it that I fail to see?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord.

Bring me hope. Give me light!

Tell me what's on the other side.

Tell me how the story ends.

And then what? Would I be happier?

No, the question is, would it make me wiser?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

but if I could, what would be there to believe in?

If I could, would I be stronger?

If I could, would I still strive to become better?

If I could, would my love for You get deeper?
If I could, would I realize what matters most?

Rock Bottom

That night, I was crying my heart out. 

All there was was darkness, and cold rocks, and dead ends. For the first time in my life, I was sure I had hit the rock bottom. It felt like life was slowly being pulled out of me. Pain was brimming in my heart. It was akin to dying.

I grieved until my eyes went swollen, my cheeks wet, and my lips salty. Exhausting. I shook my head. I didn't want to stop. No. I didn't want to, until I turned my head and saw Him. 

I saw Jesus. He, who had a crown of thorns. He, who was almost drowned by the pool of his own blood. Jesus was defaced inside and out.

I looked closely. Jesus' face was a taut mask of pain, yet when his eyes met mine I felt the warmth of His love in my heart. Then I saw his dried lips parting, then muttering, "Elaine, I am with you in this suffering."