When it is still the right word

It was just too great, I was at a loss for words.

I found out, only my tears could carry its substance,

and I could only be appeased through silent prayers.

Pain is not the right word but something more than that.

It was deep, dull and numbing.

Sometimes, it could be very sharp

that I didn't even notice I was broken into pieces.

No, pain isn't the right word.

All I knew was it was too great, I looked okay.

It started the morning after that one fine day,

when I knew I had to start facing atypical days

'cause you're no longer in it.

Every dream I had wafted away, deferred.

It crushed me or something more than that.

It was too unbearable that it kindled a fire of hope in me.

I suddenly felt that God's eyes were on me, on us,

and He knew my heart, your heart.

Then it dawned on me what word I was looking for.

I guess, I just had it in another form, but still...

love is the right word.

Coldness

I'm embracing this coldness,

such that was brought by the wind

and flowing water.

I want to feel it, keep it,

breathe it in deep in my lungs,

then see it take form out of my breath.

This coldness, that came after 

those painfully hot days

makes me glorious.

Aye, as long as I'm cold, I have glory!

Yet I know that when the time comes

that the chill stays long enough

in my bones, muscles and organs,

the glaring sun would rise

and meet me again,

and bring me new glory.

What Makes You Happy?

Today, I went home from work feeling empty. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad either. I doubt I was even somewhere in between. I just felt nothing.

I decided not to end my day that way, though. I really wanted to make the day great but I only had the night left for me, so I just wished I'd have a great night. Immediately, I ran to my diary and wrote, "What makes me happy?"

Then I remembered what makes me happy. 

1. Hobbits. I thank Tolkien for inventing hobbits. They're really amazing middle earth creatures. Often, I would imagine myself walking along Shire with huge hairy foot. I would think of how simple life is in there, waking up in a nice sunny morning and freely running with woods, water and sweet smelling grass around. Usually, I'd sit at my desk, get my pen and think I'm Bilbo Baggins writing my tales. 

2. "It's a good life, Hazel Grace." The first time I read this line from John Green's The Fault in our Stars, I wondered if Augustus was right. What is it that he saw in life that makes him say it's actually good? I sought for answers until I realized that John Green meant nothing deep about it. Everything is simply beautiful. And that it's a privilege to merely step onto this world and experience everything it offers - good food, good shelter, good family and friends, good weather, good books, good sleep and more. There are challenges, of course, but they are only to put some flavor. Often, all we have to do is to look around and be thankful.

3. My God up there has already laid His great plans on my timeline. All I have to do is to keep moving until I walk through all of them. I can't wait for God's surprises. Bo Sanchez, in his Take Charge Give All, said that each day is a seed. It's either you plant the seed or throw it. I may not have planted all my seeds but I'm confident I'll grow those that I did. I know God made sure they were laid in the best soil possible. Oh, I just can't wait to see my seeds full-grown and bearing fruits!

Just thinking about these things, I could say that it's been a great night! Indeed, all I needed was a good mindset. Now, I could look up my list every now and then. How about you, what makes you happy?

When God makes you an educator

You placed me here.

I had been asking for a job where I could serve You well, and You placed me here.

Help me keep my eyes on You, Lord. Always remind me that my ultimate goal is love, and that love has a beauty my whole being would willingly drench in. I want to put more soul in every work of my hands. I want to have You in everything that I do.

I'm going to be an educator. I'm going to teach innocent minds, touch pure hearts and guide vulnerable hands. Lord, as early as now, I'm placing them not on my palms but on Yours. I am not in any way deserving to hold such precious lives, but I want to serve You and this is one way I could.

Use me. Mold me into an angel who uses her wings to lift spirits, her warm hands to assure security, her halo to always make the right decisions and her words to bring enlightenment. Make me my students' angel.

I trust You, Lord. And so now, I declare, I won't just be an educator but I'll be the best educator as You know I could be.

Amen.