Why are you here?

"Why am I here," used to be the question I utter first thing in the morning. Even before I stretched out my muscles, I would sense the heaviness of my every breath. I would tell myself, "I am alive," and know at the back of my mind that it's for a purpose.

My everyday used to feel like a chase for "purpose." For some reason, I felt like my purpose was hiding from me. I thought it was a hopeless search. I've tried looking for it in my current job, with the people I love, through distant strangers, by the rocks I had stumbled upon, between the words of the books I read, within the context of occurrences and even going beyond and outside the boxes. I was so eager to find it! but only to find out that each path was a dead end. I was not happy.

One afternoon, I decided to breathe all my questions out to God. That time I was in a chapel with the person closest to my heart; he was praying beside me. The chapel was enormous, or maybe solely in my sight. Yet I was sure, the place was filled with an air of reverence - silent but not ringing silence. The place was tranquil, I must say. I then lifted my eyes to its ceiling, somehow facing the heaven . . . or maybe, searching for heaven. Then in my mind, I called, "Lord."

That moment, I felt like His eyes met mine and that we just had an eye contact. From my spiritual periphery, I saw His cheeks lifting and His lips was spreading to a smile. I never had an eye contact so blind yet assuring akin to that. It was wonderful.

His bright smile magnified the darkness of my heart, though. And that was when I started throwing Him a multitude of questions. I honestly cannot remember what those were, but I can still vividly recall how it felt to have my baggage gradually pulled away from me, making me light and having my knees bear only my weight. Oh, God was so patient with me.

Today, I must admit that I still don't know exactly why I am here. And I don't think I will ever know it. However, after that encounter, God made me realize that life should not be a chase for purpose - it is fulfilling whatever it may be in any way possible. So how can I live by my purpose? Two things: 1) Live my way. 2) Love my way. Maybe the reason why God made me different from others is because I have a special purpose which can only be fulfilled through exactly being me.

Now, all God wants is for me to hold His hand and together, we keep moving. The road may seem dangerous, narrow or steep, but I should keep moving. Even when we might seem lost or we seem to need to retrace our steps or turn around, I should just keep moving.

Since then, whenever rough days come and push me to asking, "Why am I here?" I would look heavenward, imagine God smiling and saying, "Just hold my hand, and trust that You are where I want you to be."

The world is unfair, isn't it?

I think the world is, indeed, unfair. 

I used to think it's humans' natural tendency to look at themselves then look at others back and forth, unconsciously doing some comparison. Personally, I think I've tried comparing myself to others in all aspects; I'd often dwell on the fact that other people are A LOT MORE than me - a lot more attractive, richer, smarter, more skillful, braver and more self-willed. And then I'd let myself be eaten by it. "Why is he/she like that and I'm only this?" "Why are others have those and I only have this?" "Why can't I have that and they have it?" I even closed my ears at the compliments I received from my friends. I didn't care what I had. In my eyes, others were always luckier. I guess t'was because I wanted to be better each day. Only that I wanted to be better than everyone else. 

Suddenly, one day, something changed my way of thinking. That time, I was listening to an Affirmative Frame recording sent to me by my life coach (FYI: these are recordings, usually of ocean waves, dripping rain or any relaxing sound, embedded with subliminal messages which help a person achieve positive mindset). I had my earphones on, and my eyes closed. I was internalizing the ocean waves which sang in my ears. Swish. Swash. Swoosh. I could imagine the water slapping the stones along the shore, then pulling them back to its body. I imagined the strong blows of the wind, amply strong to form waves. The sky was clear. The sun was shining brightly. Everything was wonderful.

For a moment, I gave myself the freedom to enjoy what seemed to be in front me, thinking that I deserved it. I deserved to be in something wonderful. 

I opened my eyes. 

I thought, maybe life is just about living. And when I only care about living, probably I wouldn't care about what others have . . . only what I already have. Maybe life isn't just about getting better and better and better; it could also be about appreciating what's already better and beautiful. Maybe life is as simple as letting things (that're out of our control) happen, thinking of what really matters and leaving what does not.

Maybe, sometimes, I just have to live and don't care. 

Perhaps, I was right in thinking that the world is unfair. But life is fair enough to have itself in me.