When It Paints Sense

Most days, we do not understand. The rest of the days, we try to make sense of the little we can understand.

This is one of the rest of the days.

I remember the afternoon I painted vines in my room's walls. The green swirled in every direction, playful yet gentle. Dots of red made roses. I nursed a haven in my mind, and all I wanted then was to make it alive. So I transformed my room into a work of art.

Each day, I would hold a paintbrush or a pen. Classic music played on my laptop whilst I stormed the white sheet with colors or different shades of black. I would tape my best pieces to the wall. It embellished my walls until it turned into a sort of gallery.

It was beautiful.

I was ecstatic, drowning in the abstract. I resigned from my full-time job then, and I was satisfied with the little I was earning with my part-time job and writing gigs. I held my time in my hands. I had enough money for myself. Just for myself.

Until I was told that I was drowning myself in the abstract, probably, to weasel out life.
That hurt. A lot. Suddenly, my awe melted and all I wanted then was to lay my hands on each of the paintings. Destroy them, perhaps. Career-wise, I was fumbling in the dark. Quarter life crisis, as they described it. I was lost. I wasn't happy.

Today is very different.

Life's no longer vines and roses. Now, I live not in a world I painted, but in a painted world. I am drowned in the concrete - in the real, in the truth, in both sheer ugly and beauty. I stand here, alone with my eyes and hands. Alone with God, the Great Painter.

God tells me that I should grow up, and leave the worlds I invented. God tells me to live and turn the abstract to concrete, the mind to hands, the ideas to things. God tells me that I may be what I behold...but I am, too, what I hold.

Most days, I do not understand.

But thank God, this is one of the rest of the days.

Transience

When you know that things go in and out of existence,

That time passes

And the sun sleeps

The mood hides

Clouds dissipate

Flowers decay

The ice melts

And the breath of life evaporates

What do you do?

How do you capture

A brief moment's beauty

That once fades

Will never be seen again?

Three Things Women Don't Want to Forget

You, woman, remember.

Three things.

One, you are beautiful.

You might see flaws in the mirror,

but none of those define your beauty.

What matters isn't those that fade and change.

It's about who you are and what you make people feel.

Two, you are worthy.

Your worth is more than glinting diamonds and bars of gold.

You are far more than any material thing in the world,

for your heart is capable of loving deeply

and your mind runs beyond the longest mile.

Three, you deserve a great man.

You're for a man who will love you everyday,

and adore your strengths and weaknesses combined,

and respect you from head to toe.

You might be wrong in other things,

but it doesn't mean you're for a wrong man.

You, woman, remember.

Cherish yourself.

Your Haven

I want to be your haven,

here, in my arms,

in the warmth of my embrace,

where you can rest,

where you can be sure of your safety.

I want to be your haven,

where you can breathe out all your pain,

frustrations and disappointments;

where you gather strength and courage.

I want to be your haven,

where you'll be nourished;

where you'll feel your worth,

see your beauty and goodness

and get to believe in yourself.

I want to be your haven,

even just your haven.

And so everytime you have to leave,

 I will just watch you go,

with a trusting heart,

with complete surrender.

But if ever you find another haven,

yet in the end, still find your way to me,

I promise you

that my doors will be widely open,

and still be your haven.

The world is unfair, isn't it?

I think the world is, indeed, unfair. 

I used to think it's humans' natural tendency to look at themselves then look at others back and forth, unconsciously doing some comparison. Personally, I think I've tried comparing myself to others in all aspects; I'd often dwell on the fact that other people are A LOT MORE than me - a lot more attractive, richer, smarter, more skillful, braver and more self-willed. And then I'd let myself be eaten by it. "Why is he/she like that and I'm only this?" "Why are others have those and I only have this?" "Why can't I have that and they have it?" I even closed my ears at the compliments I received from my friends. I didn't care what I had. In my eyes, others were always luckier. I guess t'was because I wanted to be better each day. Only that I wanted to be better than everyone else. 

Suddenly, one day, something changed my way of thinking. That time, I was listening to an Affirmative Frame recording sent to me by my life coach (FYI: these are recordings, usually of ocean waves, dripping rain or any relaxing sound, embedded with subliminal messages which help a person achieve positive mindset). I had my earphones on, and my eyes closed. I was internalizing the ocean waves which sang in my ears. Swish. Swash. Swoosh. I could imagine the water slapping the stones along the shore, then pulling them back to its body. I imagined the strong blows of the wind, amply strong to form waves. The sky was clear. The sun was shining brightly. Everything was wonderful.

For a moment, I gave myself the freedom to enjoy what seemed to be in front me, thinking that I deserved it. I deserved to be in something wonderful. 

I opened my eyes. 

I thought, maybe life is just about living. And when I only care about living, probably I wouldn't care about what others have . . . only what I already have. Maybe life isn't just about getting better and better and better; it could also be about appreciating what's already better and beautiful. Maybe life is as simple as letting things (that're out of our control) happen, thinking of what really matters and leaving what does not.

Maybe, sometimes, I just have to live and don't care. 

Perhaps, I was right in thinking that the world is unfair. But life is fair enough to have itself in me.