Rock Bottom

That night, I was crying my heart out. 

All there was was darkness, and cold rocks, and dead ends. For the first time in my life, I was sure I had hit the rock bottom. It felt like life was slowly being pulled out of me. Pain was brimming in my heart. It was akin to dying.

I grieved until my eyes went swollen, my cheeks wet, and my lips salty. Exhausting. I shook my head. I didn't want to stop. No. I didn't want to, until I turned my head and saw Him. 

I saw Jesus. He, who had a crown of thorns. He, who was almost drowned by the pool of his own blood. Jesus was defaced inside and out.

I looked closely. Jesus' face was a taut mask of pain, yet when his eyes met mine I felt the warmth of His love in my heart. Then I saw his dried lips parting, then muttering, "Elaine, I am with you in this suffering."

When it is still the right word

It was just too great, I was at a loss for words.

I found out, only my tears could carry its substance,

and I could only be appeased through silent prayers.

Pain is not the right word but something more than that.

It was deep, dull and numbing.

Sometimes, it could be very sharp

that I didn't even notice I was broken into pieces.

No, pain isn't the right word.

All I knew was it was too great, I looked okay.

It started the morning after that one fine day,

when I knew I had to start facing atypical days

'cause you're no longer in it.

Every dream I had wafted away, deferred.

It crushed me or something more than that.

It was too unbearable that it kindled a fire of hope in me.

I suddenly felt that God's eyes were on me, on us,

and He knew my heart, your heart.

Then it dawned on me what word I was looking for.

I guess, I just had it in another form, but still...

love is the right word.

Your Haven

I want to be your haven,

here, in my arms,

in the warmth of my embrace,

where you can rest,

where you can be sure of your safety.

I want to be your haven,

where you can breathe out all your pain,

frustrations and disappointments;

where you gather strength and courage.

I want to be your haven,

where you'll be nourished;

where you'll feel your worth,

see your beauty and goodness

and get to believe in yourself.

I want to be your haven,

even just your haven.

And so everytime you have to leave,

 I will just watch you go,

with a trusting heart,

with complete surrender.

But if ever you find another haven,

yet in the end, still find your way to me,

I promise you

that my doors will be widely open,

and still be your haven.

He, who truly loves

Oh, how I wish I could caress Your cheeks,

and look lovingly on You,

- straight in Your eyes!

I want You to feel how much I love You

and how I love loving You.

You are utterly beautiful, Lord.

Your presence feels warm in my soul.

Because of You, I feel like

I have too much love to give

that sometimes,

my heart's like bursting!

But give me strength, Lord.

A whole lot of it!

For I know that this brings pain

just as much.

Fill me with wisdom,

calm my spirit,

appease my soul!

Prepare me, my Lord,

for a long purpose-driven journey

for now, I can see myself

treading this world

with a loving heart,
but with You, Lord.
Yes, with you!
You, who truly loves.

My Love Prayer

Dearest Lord,

I just want to say thank you for teaching me how to love. I used to know so little about it. I used to think it's a topic so mainstream that I didn't feel like talking, writing or learning about it. Now, I'm submerged in all its essence. Lord, I realized that I cannot hide or run away from love. It's going to chase after me whether I like it or not. Now, I feel like it succumbs my whole being. It deeply hurts, but it's transforming. No wonder why it has this sort of effect - You are love, and love is You.

You know my heart, Lord...so You know that I'm deeply in love. And You know that just as how deep my love is, that's how deep my pain is. I feel so strong, though. I feel so strong because I can't stop loving. I can't stop forgiving. Despite the torturing and persisting pain, I can still find the strength to love. I wonder how strong You are. But probably, You are far stronger; too strong that I won't be able to understand You.

Lord, I honestly think that a love like Yours isn't blinding. Love makes one's eyesight so clear that she can see through her loved one's heart, beyond words and beyond actions - things which others' naked eyes cannot see. So a lover does not give up on her loved one not because she's a fool but because she believes in his goodness. And once seen, there is no way she could "unsee" it. I have just found the reason why others love despite. I'm experiencing it myself. Lord, I've been so bad to You. But is this why You still love me?

I want to ask for Your forgiveness, Lord. I have loved so deep, but there are times when my emotions well up in me that I couldn't help but barf it all out in a projectile motion. I've hurt even my loved one, Lord. It's just that sometimes, I feel like I need him to know that he's hurting me. That he must do something about it. But I'm still sorry for I know I should have done it the right way. Lord, I want to be as patient as You. I want to have a patience so lengthy, I won't see its other end.

Lord, You are all-knowing, all-powerful and all-loving. I am nothing compared to Your magnificence. This is why I am well aware that there are things my love cannot do that only Your love can do. Lord, I know You love him far more than I can...so there's just one thing I fervently wish: Please teach him to love like You do.

Sincerely,

Elaine

I'm in pain.

I'm in pain,

and it's an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to grow in love,

to be stronger,

to be wiser.

I'm in pain,

but I'll be better.

Pain can either destroy you or make you better

What can pain do to you?
Pain can either destroy you or make you better.

Pain can destroy you if it learns that you don't like it.
You feel it, and it lingers.
You fight it really really hard,
and lose, realizing that it won't go away.
Now you're too weak that pain can envelope your whole being.
It nests within you
that you can't help but let it multiply.
Now, you're still in pain.
It's just that you feel more of it.

Pain can make you better if it learns that you accept it.
You feel it, and it lingers.
You allow yourself to feel it.
You allow it to linger.
Then you let it out,
cry it hard with an inch of pain escaping from every teardrop.
Until you can't cry anymore,
and feel pain no longer.

Give Me Up

She dusted off her skirt and sat on a bench under a tree. That day, the wind was blowing fast and heavy. Looking up, she saw the sun shining brightly behind a couple of huge clouds. Oh goodness. It was past lunch, and she hadn't eaten anything yet. With a sigh, she slipped her feet out of her heeled black shoes.

"Oh, blisters." She uttered dryly.

Few people were passing by her, but she didn't care how she looked anymore - oily face, sweaty armpits and all scrunched up clothing. Her long raven hair was disheveled, dancing with the wind in strands. She pulled her bag close to her body . . . tightly, and thought she needed a hug.

"I'm tired." She admitted to herself.

It wasn't a declaration of retreat but of reality. It had been several months now and still without a success. Time seemed to be testing her grit, she thought. She stared blankly on the green scenic view toward her. It helped her rest her eyes and her body . . . and mind . . . and soul. For the first time, she forgot about her plans, goals, worries, frustration and disappointment. For the first time, it was emptiness which reigned within her. It wasn't a good feeling, though. It made her languid and feel lifeless. That sense of emptiness deepened quickly and piqued her vulnerable self. 

"Why?" She broke the silence and teared up a bit.

Suddenly, she realized that she'd been running away from something she knew she deeply wanted. For the sake of her loved ones, she tried living in a world where she did not seem to belong. She wanted to be happy, but couldn't afford to be the cause of someone's heartache. Moreover, not living her dream seemed to be a pain too great to bear. It was a bewildering tug of war between her dream and others' need of her. T'was a war between two different forms of love and suffering.

She zipped open her bag and clutched the rosary inside it. Desperately, she pulled out a pen and a piece of paper. On top of it, she wrote:

"Give Me Up"