Wisdom Without Words

I notice that wisdom 

does not only take the form of words.

It can also be in silence

and in composure.

It can be in choosing this

and not choosing that.

Or in doing this

and not doing that.

Wisdom is in maintaining joy

even when there's no reason to.

Or in sustaining peace when things 

shake you, push you or disturb you.

Wisdom is hoping for the good

and letting the bad ones pass.

It is throwing what isn't good for your soul 

and keeping what nourishes.

Wisdom is in kindness when you're hated

and in giving when you're deprived.

It doesn't make friends for the sake of business 

or fame or other selfish intentions.

It keeps friends to turn them into family

and family to turn them into loved ones.

Wisdom is in being here and now,

and in becoming better the next morning.

Wisdom is living with feet on ground's dust and ashes,

yet with eyes toward the splendor of heaven.

God's Surprises

One day you wake up and your arid days are over. 

You smile at the sun, you eat well, and you bounce when you walk.

You're all too happy that you can't find words for it or for anything.

It feels like life's wheel just turned, and you're on top.

And there, in that transition, you realize what can really make you happy.

You get to know that you're not the type who gets ecstatic with promotion or any career success,

that you're not proud of being known by quite a multitude of people,

that compliments no longer get into your head.

There, you get to see what's empty and what's not.

You define what it really means to be on top.

You rename dreams, find new goals, and envision a new life.

Things suddenly become surprising as if spotting a huge shell on the shore,

or suddenly feeling cool with the May air,

or taking hold of a book you thought you wouldn't find in the Philippines' bookstore.

And what's more surprising is, whatever made that has always been within your grasp.

Relationships.

Love.

Homeless

I don't know if you're fond of dogs. 

I am.

I pray for every street dog I see, especially when it's crossing the street.
"Lord, take care of that dog. Oh please, protect it from getting hit by a vehicle."
My eyes then follow the dog until it safely gets on to the other side of the road. I do that, as if staring helps.

My heart breaks for them, you see. I believe that dogs are good by nature. It's how they are created - loyal, loving and even sweet, sometimes. And I think they are adorable no matter how messy they look. They do not deserve the dirt and cruelty of the street.

But they're homeless.

And I hate that somebody deprived them of the warmth of home, of a family. 

One midday, I was looking out from the jeepney I was riding. I saw a street dog, and said a prayer for it like I always did. The jeep continued to run as it should, but as it did, I saw a street child. My eyes fell on the muck in his cheek, the tattered clothes, bare legs and tanned, dirty skin. I reckoned, he was about three or four years old.

I don't know if you're fond of children.

I am.

But I don't always pray for every street child I see in the street.

You see, I am a preschool teacher. I teach kids how to read and write. I love it when we fall during ring-around-the-rosie. I greet them with a hug, assist them when they change clothes after gym, and fix the girls' hair when tousled. Children are pure, good and happy by nature.

I don't know why it's always blame that comes to my mind first.
"This happened to him because his parents are lazy and indifferent!"
But I realized, it doesn't change the fact that this street child is not one of the kids I teach in school, that he's not learning how to read and write, and that he doesn't play ring-around-the-rosie safely. 

I don't know how many hugs he receives each day, or if somebody assists him nicely when changing clothes, or when somebody even bothers to comb his hair.

I thought, this street child does not deserve the dank, angry road.

But look.

He's homeless.

While You're Single, Set Direction in Your Heart

I know you want to be loved. In a romantic way.

Perhaps, you sometimes imagine yourself ambling along the sea shore. While you cherish the sea breeze grazing your faces, you and your lover leave a trail of your footsteps in the sand. Your hands lace together. Sweet.

How about this. One morning, you wake up at the sound of your cellphone's alarm but it didn't annoy you. Instead, you touched the envelope on your screen, revealing your sweetheart's message:

Good morning. I'll see you later. :) 

You smiled and immediately, prepared for later - taking a bath, brushing your teeth, wearing your best clothes. In your heart, you know that whatever the day has for you, it'll be beautiful because you'll spend time with your sweetheart.

I may not know what other scenes you have in your imagination, but I get it. I know why you want to be loved in a romantic way. Either you've been there or not, you're quite sure it'll give you something to smile about, something to look forward to, or perhaps, a reason for waking up in the morning. You may not feel ecstatic about it every day or in the following years, but the love itself will certainly give inspiration. Romantic love is so beautiful. But you see, there's a potential that your life will revolve around it.

Now, I believe that while you (and I) are not there yet isn't the pressing question. Whenever I'm in the waiting process, I always remember that I am still being transformed in the desert. God sees something about me that should be improved, added, or nourished - things that will make me ready for that thing. And being ready means being at my best state of heart, best frame of mind, or best situation fitting for that thing. Probably, every single day we don't have what we want yet, God saves us from disaster.

Here's one way to prepare: develop singleness of heart. I've read about this from Fr. Green's Opening to God. He said that humans have conflicting desires. He suggested a way not to align them or make them accorded, but to be free from them. He said, "We can have many loves in our lives, but only one center, one sun around which all our other loves are satellites." So yes, there may be other loves but those are just (and must be) means to love more that one in the center. If the other loves conflict with loving the center, it isn't true love.

I know some people who, for some reason, cannot fuse the love of God and love of boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. I tried to explain it in my mind, asked them if they feel like they're doing something wrong or if they have beliefs different from their lover which make them confused, things like that. There is an apparent reason for a "yes" answer, you see. Otherwise, it could either be because they don't know yet who or what their Sun is or they don't truly love the Sun yet. It is a process, anyway. A slow, painstaking process.

I think it doesn't just apply to loving a person. I, for example, have fondness for many things - teaching, arts, writing, spirituality, music etc., and sometimes, I love them deeply that it preoccupies me that I suddenly get snapped from reverie wondering why again do I desire it that much. There's always a question of "Why am I doing this again?" Always going back to the reason, to the core.

The question for everyone is this: Who is that One center, that One sun of your life?
We decide. I want it to be God. I bet you want it to be God too. You see, it is also about vocations.
Fr. Green also said: "Rosemary Haughton said...the married person comes to the love of God through the love of a spouse, while the celibate comes to the love of people through the love of God."

So while we're waiting for romantic love, for realized dreams, for purpose (for whatever that is) to arrive, I guess it's better that we set direction in our hearts. Have that singleness of heart, and let everything we do be for the love of our Sun, our Center - God.

I hope that made sense.

The Story Isn't Ready Yet

Is your story ready to be written?

I realized, there are stories that aren't ready to be written yet. This means that the blame shouldn't always be placed upon the writer (or better not to blame anything or anyone at all).

Some writers aren't publishing a book yet not because they're sluggish or undisciplined or uninspired. In fact, they might be regularly sitting on clouds, talking face-to-face with the muse about their dreams. Their fingers are itchy, their body bursting with eagerness to spend hungry afternoons and sleepless nights for writing, and their head - their head brims with beautiful words which occasionally spill out but! The words are rather empty. No form. No sense. A beautiful waste. The thing is, these writers could already be carrying a story in their head - a baby in their womb - and it's not coming out yet because it isn't ready yet. Stories undergo gestation too, and it usually is painful.

After Finding You (chance to plug!), I found myself coming in and out of the messiest folder in my laptop which I named Book, and flicking through the less-than-half- to half-full pages of my MS Word files. In it are snippets, drafts and outlines of book ideas which were once exciting and sparkling, but now look corny and banal. You see, I have been spending time squeezing my brain and creative juices out for a second book only to come up with a useless material. Well, not at all useless. These could be pieces of what's coming.

Actually, the idea of Finding You was formed, bit by bit, through my prior book ideas. I entitled one book as Haven in my Pocket. I intended it to be handy and its words, to have an air of peace. It was supposed to be written for busy men and women in the city, but I failed to convince myself that I could pull it off. Another was a novel about a monastery where when one enters, one cannot leave (creepy, isn't it?). Another was about a man who taught a street child how to read and write, and which eventually led to building a foundation for street children (it's my dream!). Well, I guess all books are like Voltes V, having a head, trunk, and limbs controlled by five different humans with different stories.

So yeah, be patient. Let the desire nest in your heart then live more. Practice more. Stew ideas more! In Ecclesiastes, it was said that there is an appointed time for everything - and it includes your book! But you know what? I believe, it's already there. It's just that...the story isn't ready to be written yet.

Are you a bit unhappy?

I wonder why everything feels bleak these past few days.

Looking at 'me' from the top view, life seems to be going nicely. No huge problem, whatsoever. No enemies. I get tired and my tooth aches occasionally, but yeah. Just that. It's a mystery how, for some reason, I catch myself frowning at nothing in particular. My mind cannot help but succumb to plain dullness, and every night, I flinch at a pang of yearning for something I cannot identify yet.

Oh, why? Why am I so unhappy?

After praying, I always go to my books for answers. Just this afternoon, I pulled a couple of them from my shelf - one tells a love story, another's about prayer, and the thick one's about creativity. Funny how I just left them all lying pell mell on my study table afterwards then grabbed the broom instead, and swept the floor. I realized, the presence of books told me that I wasn't ready for them because my mind was still messy.

Sweeping was effective. I decided to resolve by listing things that remind me how to be happy. After I collected our house's trash and dusts, I reckoned that humans tend to forget. All the time.
Some of what I put here are from Jason Silva's Shots of Awe. Maaan, this philosopher guy's amazing! You have to subscribe, so you'll get to pick some of his brain.

1. Be in awe. 

You don't wait for 'awe,' you find it. Where? It's in the tiniest details of things. You have to spot that fine detail that reveals a spectacular complexity that lives and makes things operate - such beauty that creates a world of its own. And once you're submerged in it, revering it...you have found 'awe.' (Bonus: Remember that God made it for someone - you.)

2. Remember gratitude.

Do you know who you are? Or where you are in space and time? You are this dot that form the universe. Without that dot, which is you, the universe would be different. And this universe you're standing on is full of life. It cradles in itself 'life' of different hues, forms, mystery, wonder and intelligence. Whoa! Look around you. See, it's a good life.

3. Do something novel.

Jason Silva said that when you're chasing happiness, you're actually chasing novelty. When you say you want to be happy, you're actually saying you want something new or more. New things make life exciting. It's a new streak, a new color, a new word on your notebook or canvas. New things make a difference, and for us, difference may mean progress or chance or power because it narrows our options. Good news: most of the time, novelty is in your hands.

4. Initiate acts of kindness.

It's innate. You feel good about yourself when you do something good. Why? Because it's who you are. You are created by a good God, so you are good by nature. That's why it's who you peacefully accept you are. Do compliments sound sweeter than criticisms? Praises are better than insults, of course. But setting words-as-a-reward aside, an act of kindness itself refreshes the heart.

Lastly, I think, is to see a picture of you where you look happy. Like really happy. Mine's this. I still remember every bit of this moment's peace and bliss.

Your Hands Are Smaller

When I was young, my hands were small and I wasn't realizing that.

I would compare my father's hands to mine and think that they were basically the same. I did not know why I couldn't wring the clothes, wash plates, and arrange things as easily as his hands did.

"Papa, why can't I do what your hands can? I have ten fingers, you have ten fingers. I have palms, you have palms. We even have almost the same creases! But why can't things fit in my hands as nicely as into yours?" I asked.

Papa laughed then spread his hand over mine. "Because your hands are smaller, Elaine."

My hands were smaller.

I have grown older now. I have bigger hands. I can wring clothes, wash plates, and arrange things almost as easily as my father's (now) old hands can. But I think, when it comes to other things, I haven't totally outgrown the idea...

My hands are smaller than God's, and I do not realize it.

When nothing makes sense, God does.

You wake up to an arid day.

The sunrays are dull, the billowing clouds move slowly, and your sister lies feebly beside you 

with her limbs spread out on the bed.

You wonder why today, everything is meaningless. The tasks you once perceived productive are pointless. You want to be nice and loving, but every person just leaves you in a fit of pique. Not their fault. You know you can't blame anyone save yourself.

You feel empty today. And it's a surprise that you are. Actually, everything's perfect this time but instead of seeing yourself on cloud nine, you're walking in a scorched land with no water to drink, wishing you will come to the end of the desert sooner.

It's okay. I tell you, it's okay that you're feeling this way. Probably, this is God's way of reminding you that there's something more, of redirecting you as the world blurs your way to ever after, and of telling you that He exists - that He wants to be sought after. By you.

Today, God whispers to you through the gentle wind, in the rustle of leaves, or through the soft chirps of birds. He teaches you how to see Him in the ordinary days, or in your worst - when nothing seems to be happening. It is today that He prefers to work quietly and imperceptibly, lovingly molding you in His hands. 

Today, you feel empty, but live anyway.

Trust. 

When nothing makes sense, God does.

How to Make Life Flavorful

Flavorful.

I used to think of food whenever I heard of the word 'flavorful.' Well, I still do but now, on an entirely different perspective. After reading a few articles and hearing a number of talks that use this adjective to describe work, relationship and life as a whole, adding flavor has become my daily goal.

I once attended a seminar about prayer and the speaker told us that continuously adding flavor to our prayer hour can strengthen our relationship with God. She said that she wakes up at a certain time in the morning each day, goes to a particular room, and spends an hour or two with God. Basically, what she does is she reads the Bible first, then prays intently, then does journal writing. Imagine yourself doing this same routine for one whole year or more. There's nothing wrong with it, of course; but perhaps sooner or later, you would forget its essence and merely do it out of habit. It's usually how our mind and body work. Nevertheless, the speaker chose to give her seemingly dull prayer hour a twist. From time to time, she changes a bit a few things such as:

• Instead of just sitting with eyes closed while praying, she plays her guitar and sings songs of worship to the Lord;
• She still reads the Bible but this time, moves on to reading a devotional or inspirational book afterwards;
• How about a background music while writing a journal?
• She prays while peacefully taking sips of her morning coffee as if God is her morning buddy.

Interesting, isn't it? I say, this is insightful creativity. Why have I never thought of doing this? I reckon, maybe such things are very basic but not apparent. Ever since, my thinking has been 'there is more to it than there seemed on the surface.' Flavorful. Usually, the most luscious ingredients settle at the bottom. You got to dig it, scoop it then stir it whole to make the food more delectable.

Elsewhere, adding flavor isn't just about being creative and initiating changes. It could also mean taking delight in new things such as involving yourself in something/somewhere you've never been such as:

• joining a friendly organization,
• attending an interesting talk or seminar,
• going to a retreat with people you don't know.
• traveling to different places,
• studying a diploma course or an online course, 
• or watching alone in a movie house.

Fancy up your calendar with colorful post-its, multicolor pen, photos, or anything that would remind you of what to look forward to. Flavorful. Put more spices on your schedule and wake up each day with a smile on your face.

If you're currently having a bad taste of life, be thankful! It's your chance to become the best cook existing, for a good cook can make good food but the best cook can turn a bad-tasting dish into a palatable one.

When it is still the right word

It was just too great, I was at a loss for words.

I found out, only my tears could carry its substance,

and I could only be appeased through silent prayers.

Pain is not the right word but something more than that.

It was deep, dull and numbing.

Sometimes, it could be very sharp

that I didn't even notice I was broken into pieces.

No, pain isn't the right word.

All I knew was it was too great, I looked okay.

It started the morning after that one fine day,

when I knew I had to start facing atypical days

'cause you're no longer in it.

Every dream I had wafted away, deferred.

It crushed me or something more than that.

It was too unbearable that it kindled a fire of hope in me.

I suddenly felt that God's eyes were on me, on us,

and He knew my heart, your heart.

Then it dawned on me what word I was looking for.

I guess, I just had it in another form, but still...

love is the right word.

When God makes you an educator

You placed me here.

I had been asking for a job where I could serve You well, and You placed me here.

Help me keep my eyes on You, Lord. Always remind me that my ultimate goal is love, and that love has a beauty my whole being would willingly drench in. I want to put more soul in every work of my hands. I want to have You in everything that I do.

I'm going to be an educator. I'm going to teach innocent minds, touch pure hearts and guide vulnerable hands. Lord, as early as now, I'm placing them not on my palms but on Yours. I am not in any way deserving to hold such precious lives, but I want to serve You and this is one way I could.

Use me. Mold me into an angel who uses her wings to lift spirits, her warm hands to assure security, her halo to always make the right decisions and her words to bring enlightenment. Make me my students' angel.

I trust You, Lord. And so now, I declare, I won't just be an educator but I'll be the best educator as You know I could be.

Amen.

Have you looked up the sky today?

Do you love clouds? Well, I do.

I remember when my parents and I traveled to Baguio by car. I laid myself down on the back seat, facing the window. Then I looked at the clouds. They seemed to be keeping a gaze on me while we were running. Everything else below whizzed by so fast - trees, electric lines, houses - everything! While the clouds stayed on my sight and calmly got out of it.

I raised my hand and drew the outline of their curves with my index finger. I formed figures of birds, dolphin, fish and the like. I thought, looking at the sky is like having a glimpse of heaven. I had in my mind a picture of ascension: Jesus, with arms outstretched, went up to heaven. Heaven is above. Sky is above. Hence, sky is where heaven could be.

It was a long bumpy journey to Baguio. Yet, with such a refreshing sight, I fell into sleep peacefully and smiling.

That was years ago. When I got older, I rarely looked up the sky. I became too absorbed with those things that whiz by so fast - people, job, school, goals, pleasure. I started living with these things knowing that they would change and they could go. But I kept a grip on them tightly. I walked through the path to my dreams with them slipping from my hands, and me, trying to catch them. It was exhausting. It was painful. At the end of the day, I might've had everything altogether, but I would feel empty inside.

Look up. I realized that I must not forget to look up the sky again, to gaze at the clouds, to have a glimpse of heaven. When the road gets bumpy or when the waiting gets too long or when I can no longer catch up with a busy world, I must remember that there's something more than this; that above, there remains a cloud calmly moving across the sky; and that there is a God who went up to heaven with arms outstretched, light and unburdened. Perhaps, it's one way to heaven - letting go and surrendering.

My friend, have you looked up the sky today?

He, who truly loves

Oh, how I wish I could caress Your cheeks,

and look lovingly on You,

- straight in Your eyes!

I want You to feel how much I love You

and how I love loving You.

You are utterly beautiful, Lord.

Your presence feels warm in my soul.

Because of You, I feel like

I have too much love to give

that sometimes,

my heart's like bursting!

But give me strength, Lord.

A whole lot of it!

For I know that this brings pain

just as much.

Fill me with wisdom,

calm my spirit,

appease my soul!

Prepare me, my Lord,

for a long purpose-driven journey

for now, I can see myself

treading this world

with a loving heart,
but with You, Lord.
Yes, with you!
You, who truly loves.

You are free

You are free.

I'm untying the strings,

and releasing the chains.

I'm spreading my palms,

and loosening my grip.

Step out and see the world!

I'm unlocking the door for you.

It's about time that you get a hold

of that sort of freedom

which you lost and yearned

for a very long time.

The freedom to fly

and look at the world from above

after being caged for eight years.

The freedom to finally swim

the depths of the ocean

after a long period of containment.

The freedom to jump as high as you can!

And jump with others like you

on the endless width of lilies and water.

Ultimately, the freedom to just be 

whoever you want to be.

You are free!

Make good use of it.

Enjoy it. Don't worry!

As I, too, am free.

I'm in pain.

I'm in pain,

and it's an opportunity.

It's an opportunity to grow in love,

to be stronger,

to be wiser.

I'm in pain,

but I'll be better.

That day your dream comes true

I've been longing for that day

when finally I'd get to be

where I know I should be

and do what my heart desires.

That day, I'd wake up in the morning

with a smile on my face and glitter on my eyes.

and with a thankful heart I'd say,

"My dream comes true today."

That day, I'd take a refreshing bath,

wear my best clothes and shoes,

fix my hair, put on my make-up,

all to bring my best self forward.

That day, I would pour forth

the wisdom and knowledge I acquired

over the years of my study,

and I'd do it all with enthusiasm.

That day, I'd spread love,

touch everyone and everything with love,

and leave love in everyone and everything

and still, love would be overpouring within.

That day, however, there could be suffering

or challenges, failure and pain.

My passion would be tested,

my strength and will would be put into the fire.

That day, I'd certainly go home,

hungry, exhausted, maxed out

but still, with a smile on my eyes and glitter on my eyes

and with a grateful heart, I'd say,

"Hey, my dream comes true today."

Why not worry?

Do not worry.

You might feel unlucky now, 

but you could feel unlucky again some time.

Your problems may seem to be heavier today

than the problems you had yesterday,

but you’re gonna have problems in the future all the same.

You might think that life used to be better when you were younger,

but actually when you were younger,

you wished you were still even younger.

You see, my friend, 

the fact is, there is always something to worry about 

as much as there is always something to be grateful for.

Do not worry.

Choose to be grateful. 

Choose to be happy.

The Search for Paradise

As I placed one foot forward, the dried leaves crunched underneath the soles of my rubber shoes.

I was kinda lost.

I checked my compass for the umpteenth time, assuring I'd been heading north. 

I looked up, searching for the sun. T'was there, hiding behind the branches and leaves of surrounding tall trees. Some ray met my eyes and it hurt. I looked away and thought I'd rather get hurt by light than stumble and wound myself in darkness. 

I pushed the shoulder straps of my backpack, pressing it tightly on my back. Then I moved forward. 

It was my first time to travel alone. I'd no one to lean on, just myself and maybe, the trees. 

Though forest trees looked all the same, I knew that each tree has a unique groove. I thought of them as the most competitive and most graceful dancing creatures long time ago. However, one day in a huge disco room, God dared them to play stop dance. For some reason, He stopped the music for a very long time and left them steady on their places. Maybe, God knew that someone like me would travel alone in the woods. Maybe He wanted me to play the music in my mind and dance with the trees to reach my destiny. But the moment I get tired and stop dancing, I'd freeze like the trees and get lost. That was what had just happened, I guess.

The sun seemed to want to help me too. The sun was my friend. I walked with it each day. For as long as it was there, things were bright and clear. But the sun was very playful. Hide and seek was its favorite game. I did not mind seeking it every time, for that made me happy more than the sun thought.

My goal was to see the Promised land, as they called it. I had no idea how it looked like. They just told me t'was going to be a Paradise. I wanted to be in Paradise; no, I desired to be in Paradise. They advised me to always go north . . . no matter what.   

I didn't know how it all occurred, but in the next few minutes I found myself sliding on a slippery slope and bumping myself here and there to rocks, tree trunks and some sharp edgy branches. Wrong move. Loose foothold. Mud. Trap. No matter what that was, something apparently went really really wrong. Stupid. I realized t'was more painful to make a mistake in daylight when I could still see my path clearly. But it even hurt further to know that there was no one else to blame but myself.

I didn't know if I was still breathing. My stomach churned from the pull of gravity and fear and uncertainty. I couldn't locate where the painful body part was. I was too hurt; I just closed my eyes and held my body loose and free. I expected myself to worry because for sure, falling wouldn't lead me north. But only one thing reigned my mind - I wished I'd come out in one piece.

The next thing I knew, I was floating, half drenched in something wet and cold. A body of water, I thought. I could have panicked if not for the intense pain I was feeling. I didn't dare a move. Everything in me ached - my limbs, chest and head. Slowly, I opened my eyes.

I saw the sun. I saw my friend, ardent and dazzling on the vast blue sky just above me. This time, no tree leaves and branches blocked my sight. There were attractive clouds in fancy shapes around it, but the sun outshone their beauty. Its rays were outstretched like arms offering an embrace to each creature in the world. Its light was blinding yet calm and nourishing. Few birds came out to my view and played in the sky. They looked like touching the sun and teasing it to play with them. It was the most calming sight I'd ever seen. Suddenly, I forgot all about pain. I never thought my friend, sun, was that beautiful.

And then I remembered the Promised land. And the Paradise. "Am I lost? Will I ever reach it?" I almost blurted the words out in worry.

And in some kind of playback, I heard them telling me, "Always go north."

Sisterhood

Last Saturday (Feb. 22), I came home with a DVD player entitled Francis and Clare, and with the news that I passed the sisterhood exams in St. Joseph's College. Sr. Susan, the sfic vocational directress, told me to watch the movie and decide if I would enter the convent.

I saw the movie just a while ago. St. Francis and St. Clare were deeply inspiring. They were both madly in love with Jesus that they left everything they had, and offered themselves to Him; St. Francis became a friar, and St. Clare, a nun. I was moved - moved enough to cry and ask myself things about me and God.  

I can't remember exactly the first time I learned about God.

I was too little then. Perhaps, I first thought of Him as Someone I should really know to pass the Religion subject. I do remember myself studying the proper way of doing the sign of the cross and memorizing prayers. And yes, I even tried reading the Bible just for the sake of reading it.

I, as well, cannot remember exactly how I fell in love with this God . . . and fell out of love of Him . . . then back again. 

Clearly, it was during highschool when I first claimed my love for God. I was willing to introduce this God to people and to do everything I knew He wanted me to. I did my best to be kind and faithful despite and in spite of everything. Within me was a burning desire to offer myself to Him. In return, I saw how God favored me. He made me trust Him by answering almost all my prayers. He made me feel His love by giving me the best things in the world . . . until I got to college.

I fell out of love with God during college. Everything turned simply the opposite of my highschool life; things did not go as I planned. My life then was a bad mixture of seemed-to-be-unending stress, heaps of problems, and well, some tinge of confusion. I was outstretching my arms out to God, but felt like He wasn't there for me any longer. T'was like a thick cloud was hindering my prayers from reaching heaven. I changed . . . a lot - not only in terms of faith but also in will and character. I hated myself. I knew I wasn't becoming the person I wanted to be.

But it didn't stop there, thankfully. One day, everything suddenly fell back into place. T'was like I banged my head on the wall - I woke up, hurt, but this time, felt better. I never thought that falling out of love of God would make me learn how to truly love Him. I realized that I've never really loved God in highschool - not as sincerely as I should have been. There was this hidden selfishness in me. I realized I wasn't mature enough to really know what "loving God" was. I reckon, I was just in love with the idea of me loving God, and not really doing the act of loving God Himself. 

I realized that such kind of love was the hardest thing to do, and the best yet most difficult way to achieve it is to have that sense of "nothingness". Mother Teresa said that for God to fill You in, you need to empty yourself first. I remember, I prayed for that nothingness before I entered college. I prayed to feel it because I wanted to grow in faith. I realized, God granted it. 

Now, there left the question, "Should I push through with sisterhood?" Maybe not now. Not now that I just learned how to truly love God. There's still too much to learn in the outside world. Maybe not now. Not now that He seems to be calling me for another vocation, and my family apparently needs my help. Maybe not now. Not now that I know I can still serve God without leaving my loved ones behind. Maybe not now. Maybe.