Reaching Infinity

Here in the car, I look at the clouds.
And think of You.

I can't remember the last time I felt near You like I used to.
By that, I mean, me being so-much drawn to You.
I can't remember.

I shut myself in a cave for reasons I have not spelled out yet. And somehow, I felt like my awe in You has been translated into the colors I poured into papers, sheets of sketched faces, and paintings on my room's walls.

They say it is a form of idealism, of me trying to make alive a world I created in my head.
Or maybe it's me trying to reach infinity, trying to reach You.

You and me.
Me and You.

Because we is really the only world I know,
the only space I would willingly fall into.

Here in the car, I look at the clouds.
And I feel like I am back to we,
that I never really got that far from You...
because You were never far from me.

I think of You, and feel that it's not so bad to create chimerical worlds,
but it is time to give them breath.

It is time to live, not merely dipping myself in colors and ink.
But to live, truly reaching for You.
Always reaching for Infinity.

Remnants

Remnants.

I am still haunted by the remnants of our memories,

infested by their dusts latching on to my skin,

and blemished by the scabs and scars of my old wounds.

I have been refusing to remember you,

but your image is a fact hidden in my subconscious,

and a glaring truth in my dreams at night.

And now I have to face the remnants,

the pieces of what used to be and will never be,

wisps of the smoke of joys and sorrows,

and a speck of what once was a true love.

Remnants, which I am glad that just are,

for I know that soon,

these dusts will be blown away,
the scars will solely be patches that'll add to my beauty,

and the memories will fade like colors in photographs.

I am sure that soon,
my heart will be again clean and new

for a kind of love that will stay whole forever.

Have your own love story

What is your love story?

Romantic love is strongly attractive. Be it in motion pictures or words, it can capture anyone. At times, it can get too attractive that it leaves you vulnerable to be slain or devoured. Even just a hint of it may be misunderstood and result to aching scratches or bruises. Romantic love is that enchanting.

You can't help it. It's mighty interesting how two hearts find each other in one such magical moment and be but one heart. Likewise, it's marvelous how a heart brings its pieces back together after the great pain of ripping apart. I admit, I too am romantic love's victim. One day, I just found myself daydreaming, directing sweet scenes with a faceless guy. From that day on, I described myself as a hopeless romantic.

Do seeing and hearing love stories from beautiful couples give you a knot in your stomach? Well, me too. But it's not the bad sort, right? I can't tell if it's envy or what. Probably, it's a mixture of "I'm so happy for you," and "I hope I have such a good love story too." It's not that it'll complete me, but I guess romantic love's too wonderful I also want to have one.

The fact is, I don't have one. But after accepting that side of me who is certain would wholeheartedly enjoy a life alone and for others, I decided to look to Jesus and figure out how to fall in love with Him. I've decided to shift all my desire, yearning and energy I reserved (and almost bursting!) for one such person to Jesus instead. How about giving efforts to really know Him through the Word? How about having breakfasts, weekly dates and frequent conversations with Him? Or probably, I could sing and write plenty of love poems for Him. I realized that if I want to, I could enjoy getting creative and serious in my relationship with Jesus, (probably) more than I could with a human being.

Truth is, single or not, you can fulfill your romantic dreams. Yes, it's possible! Start with working on your relationship with Jesus. Look above. That perfectly romantic Lover has been waiting for your "yes."

Friend, it's time to have your own love story.

In God's Perfect Time

Should I wait for green leaves to dry,

or for many storms to stop pelting down?

Then I will.

Should I wait for the orange-drenched sky,

or for a gold to lose its luster?

Then I will.

Should I wait for my bones to go a bit brittle,

or for my falling hair to grow thick as a roll of yarn?

Then I will.

Should I wait until the soles of my shoes go thin,

or 'til my nails grow long and be cut for the nth time?

Then I will.

If this is what it takes for God to align the stars

and get me a ride on the moon prepared,

then I will wait.

I will, as long as I behold that sunshine in my mind,

that morning when I would finally wake up

and breathe in the air I am waiting for.

I will, as long as I hold dear the fact

 that after a seemingly endless wait,

in God's perfect time,

what'll be in my arms 

will be perpetually worthwhile.

That day your dream comes true

I've been longing for that day

when finally I'd get to be

where I know I should be

and do what my heart desires.

That day, I'd wake up in the morning

with a smile on my face and glitter on my eyes.

and with a thankful heart I'd say,

"My dream comes true today."

That day, I'd take a refreshing bath,

wear my best clothes and shoes,

fix my hair, put on my make-up,

all to bring my best self forward.

That day, I would pour forth

the wisdom and knowledge I acquired

over the years of my study,

and I'd do it all with enthusiasm.

That day, I'd spread love,

touch everyone and everything with love,

and leave love in everyone and everything

and still, love would be overpouring within.

That day, however, there could be suffering

or challenges, failure and pain.

My passion would be tested,

my strength and will would be put into the fire.

That day, I'd certainly go home,

hungry, exhausted, maxed out

but still, with a smile on my eyes and glitter on my eyes

and with a grateful heart, I'd say,

"Hey, my dream comes true today."

That Day When Charles Talked to Professor X

Date: Now

Dearest Future Self,

I want you. Yes, I want you now.

If only I could reach you,

I know I'd be forever glad.

If only I could touch you,

and explore you,

I'd be whole.

If only I could get to know more about you,

I would surely love it.

But I must not stop waiting.

I must not stop reaching.

Because only through persistence,

real hardwork,

limitless patience,

and unceasing desire,

will I be certain

that that day would come

when you'll finally be,

not only reachable,

or touchable

or real and tangible,

but ultimately,

ME.

Sincerely and perpetually yours,

Your Old Self

Dream, then pray.

Just one day, I thought of writing my goals in my spare notebook.  Scribbled in its front page are the words, "The mystery in a nutshell; Christ is in you, no more, no less."  

I realized, I really need a "dream/goal journal" since I have an ultimate dream which I, come hell or high water, am going to achieve! 

I've, so far, filled some pages with my "mapped out" career plan and "to read" books list. I put "checkboxes" so I could keep track of what I'm getting and what I'm not. What I'm not getting is equal to an alternative plan which is again, equal to another.

I'm happy to see one box already checked, and I'm currently in the process of making another box checked! 

Each morning, I read everything I've written there then say this prayer I wrote on top of the first page:

[Pray with me.]

Bless me Lord and all my plans. 

May Your dreams be my dreams. 

May Your will be my will. 

Otherwise, I surrender to You. 

I trust in Your goodness and love.

Amen.

I wish you all the best, reader! ;)

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

My teachers in Coursera told us to write a gratitude letter to a person whom we have never properly thanked. And I thought, it had to be You.

I'd like to start this gratitude letter with a big big SORRY. I am so sorry, Lord, for I've not been grateful enough. I know You have loved me and is still loving me unto the depths of me. I know, as well, that You've given me all You thought I needed. However, I've never been amply thankful for any of that. All I chose to see was darkness. I've been too perfectionist over my life when I've also been well aware that there's no such thing as 'perfect' life. I want to sincerely say sorry, Lord.

Writing this gratitude letter makes me realize that my life isn't an empty bowl. Actually, it is an overflowing one. You've filled it and still pouring in it gallons of nourishing water. I was expecting for something else. I forgot that Your blood and water is more than enough to keep me alive. I forgot that Your love alone should suffice.

You are in everything, Lord. I can feel You through the sweet refreshing breeze of the morning. I can see You in those calm and brightest rays of the sun. I can smell You in the fragrance of fresh flowers, water and leaves, all combined together. I can touch You by grazing upon the cheek of my loved one. I am surrounded by Your love and beauty, Lord, without me realizing it.

Thank You, Lord. I know that it is You who help us find food to eat and water to drink each day. It is You who shield our shelter from violent earthquakes and heavy rain. You, who protect my loved ones whenever I'm not around to save them. You, who find us money to buy shoes to cover our feet and clothes to warm our body. It is You, and nothing but You, the Great Provider.

You are there for me whenever I thought You're not. I had the most difficult times. My faith came to a point of failing. I even thought You forgot about me. I thought I've become too much of a sinner to lose Your favor. But in the end, I realized that I was completely wrong. You were there, You've been there, and You'll always be there for me. That all I needed was for my eyes to see and my heart to feel that You've been a faithful lover. That there must be the hard times for love to grow.

You are there in my success, happiness and dreams. You lift me in victory, laugh with me, and daydream with me. I forgot how You would love to see me smile, and to hear me speak of beautiful things. I forgot how You would love to put sparkle on my eyes and fill my heart with deep gladness. Thank You, Lord. I am very grateful; no other words could suffice.

Lord, I am genuinely thankful, most especially, for my family, relatives and friends. Truly, Your love is personified in each of them. Living wouldn't be more meaningful without such a great company. I thank You, Lord, for I am surrounded with loving people; for I am cared for; for I am helped in times of need; for I am comforted in times of grief; for I am directed whenever I am lost, and; for I am forgiven whenever I am at fault.

I don't know how to end this letter, Lord. There's just too many things to be thankful for. Was I able to properly thank You? Your goodness is endless...and (aha!) so is this letter...