Still You

There is...
a sense of security when I come to You, Lord.

I know that Presence - that caring, accepting, and peaceful Presence I drenched myself in when I felt alone in the convent. I would look at You, and You would look at me as if I'm the only person in the universe.

You created everything, but You looked at me as if I was much more loved. Much more beautiful.

I came to You in my dirtiest clothes, and you welcomed me.

I did come to You in my I-haven't-taken-a-bath-yet state, and you welcomed me.

I approached You without make-up nor with the hair of my legs shaved, and you welcomed me.

I ran to You in my worst - dry, angry, depressed - and you welcomed me.

I've already stepped out of the nunnery.
And still here You are, alive with that Presence.

Everything has changed. Everyone did.
But You, Lord, have not.

You are still who You are.

And You still love me.

Have your own love story

What is your love story?

Romantic love is strongly attractive. Be it in motion pictures or words, it can capture anyone. At times, it can get too attractive that it leaves you vulnerable to be slain or devoured. Even just a hint of it may be misunderstood and result to aching scratches or bruises. Romantic love is that enchanting.

You can't help it. It's mighty interesting how two hearts find each other in one such magical moment and be but one heart. Likewise, it's marvelous how a heart brings its pieces back together after the great pain of ripping apart. I admit, I too am romantic love's victim. One day, I just found myself daydreaming, directing sweet scenes with a faceless guy. From that day on, I described myself as a hopeless romantic.

Do seeing and hearing love stories from beautiful couples give you a knot in your stomach? Well, me too. But it's not the bad sort, right? I can't tell if it's envy or what. Probably, it's a mixture of "I'm so happy for you," and "I hope I have such a good love story too." It's not that it'll complete me, but I guess romantic love's too wonderful I also want to have one.

The fact is, I don't have one. But after accepting that side of me who is certain would wholeheartedly enjoy a life alone and for others, I decided to look to Jesus and figure out how to fall in love with Him. I've decided to shift all my desire, yearning and energy I reserved (and almost bursting!) for one such person to Jesus instead. How about giving efforts to really know Him through the Word? How about having breakfasts, weekly dates and frequent conversations with Him? Or probably, I could sing and write plenty of love poems for Him. I realized that if I want to, I could enjoy getting creative and serious in my relationship with Jesus, (probably) more than I could with a human being.

Truth is, single or not, you can fulfill your romantic dreams. Yes, it's possible! Start with working on your relationship with Jesus. Look above. That perfectly romantic Lover has been waiting for your "yes."

Friend, it's time to have your own love story.

Coldness

I'm embracing this coldness,

such that was brought by the wind

and flowing water.

I want to feel it, keep it,

breathe it in deep in my lungs,

then see it take form out of my breath.

This coldness, that came after 

those painfully hot days

makes me glorious.

Aye, as long as I'm cold, I have glory!

Yet I know that when the time comes

that the chill stays long enough

in my bones, muscles and organs,

the glaring sun would rise

and meet me again,

and bring me new glory.

Your mere abstraction

I don't know where you are now,

but I have my memories of you.

Anytime, I can close my eyes 

and in your mere abstraction,

I can draw the shape of your face,

your hair, your brows,

your eyes, your nose,

and your lips.

I can deeply breathe

and smell the scent of your skin

and your clothes.

I can lace the fingers of my hands together,

and feel the texture of your palm.

In my mind, I can ask you,

"How's your day?"

and hear your voice,

answering me back.

I can tell you my silly jokes,

and hear your crazy laughter.

Anytime, I can be 

with your mere abstraction,

for as long as I want to, and

just as long as I close my eyes.

In my mind, I can love you

as much as I want to,

and imagine you

loving me back.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

It's been calling me since I was a kid.

That Voice, I surely won't forget.

It resonates in me everytime It speaks.

It echoes the desires of my heart.

It brightens up my world.

That Voice, which I heard one holy night.

It used to bring me in ecstasy.

Now, It pierces me in the heart.

I once was decided to bring it on until the end.

I planned to follow that Voice.

I dreamed of prostrating myself in front of the altar,

and of wearing that ring of infinity.

I imagined myself in a habit,

and holding my rosary near to my heart.

I was determined to give it all up,

just to follow that Voice

which I heard one holy night.

However, one day, the heavens suddenly changed;

the sun went to sleep,

and the sky turned red and gray.

T'was not a bad sunset, nonetheless.

My world topsy-turvied,

and the Voice seemed to change itself

to something a lot more real

and equally wonderful.

I never thought that something impossible

could ever be this concrete and possible.

My thick wall got penetrated,

and my heart was enfettered.

Everything drastically changed

beautifully yet with more difficulty.

I more than enjoyed his company.

And essentially, I felt that life could go on

even with him, only.

After this, there came the storm.

I got no shade; I got nowhere to go.

I was all wet, cold and undecided.

I ran as fast as I could until I knew I had to face it.

From the dark sky, roared a thunder.

That same Voice shook the ground, asking

"Which to choose, and which to give up?

Where to go, and what to leave?"

I sat down and pressed my legs against my chest.

There I was, amid the cold heavy rain, lost in reverie.

There I was, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Which calling should I respond to,

a vocational life, entirely offered to God

or a life with someone I love with the love of God?