He calls

It hit me like lightning, 

one sunset,

while I was on bed, holding my rosary.

I was talking to Him,

prattling, actually,

and begging.

Then, it paralyzed me for a minute,

my eyes and mouth agape.

It took the form of a song,

that old and very familiar one.

Here I am, Lord

Is it I, Lord?

I have heard You calling in the night.

I will go, Lord, if You lead me.

I will hold Your people in my heart.

Its words struck me deep, as always,

yet this time, 

it was sweet and piercing,

heavy yet weightless,

cold and burning!

But I held on to it,

and savored it in my mouth,

then down my throat.

It felt warm inside.

It went deep beneath my skin,

then into my bones.

Finally, it captured my heart,

every inch of it,

every valve and chamber,

every cartilage and muscle,

every vessel!

Next thing I know,

salty tears were streaming down my cheeks.

It was my longest one minute.

Yes, it hit me like lighting -

His voice.

Trembling, I acknowledged,

"God is calling."

One True Love

Make my words thick with wisdom, Oh Lord,

and my songs of praise taste sweet in my lips.

May whatever comes out from the depths of my heart

be a fragrant scent to Your nose

and to the one You've prepared for me.

May we feel Your warmth as our eyes lock

and our hearts beat with the same passion for You.

Lord, we place our hands in Yours.

I pray that You bring us together

once we both brave the path of Adam and Eve

and abandon all other paths yet not ruefully,

once we're healed enough to touch each other's scars

when we run out of wisdom and strength,

and once we're ready to love each other for eternity

and to love You yet for more than our eternity.

Sisterhood

Last Saturday (Feb. 22), I came home with a DVD player entitled Francis and Clare, and with the news that I passed the sisterhood exams in St. Joseph's College. Sr. Susan, the sfic vocational directress, told me to watch the movie and decide if I would enter the convent.

I saw the movie just a while ago. St. Francis and St. Clare were deeply inspiring. They were both madly in love with Jesus that they left everything they had, and offered themselves to Him; St. Francis became a friar, and St. Clare, a nun. I was moved - moved enough to cry and ask myself things about me and God.  

I can't remember exactly the first time I learned about God.

I was too little then. Perhaps, I first thought of Him as Someone I should really know to pass the Religion subject. I do remember myself studying the proper way of doing the sign of the cross and memorizing prayers. And yes, I even tried reading the Bible just for the sake of reading it.

I, as well, cannot remember exactly how I fell in love with this God . . . and fell out of love of Him . . . then back again. 

Clearly, it was during highschool when I first claimed my love for God. I was willing to introduce this God to people and to do everything I knew He wanted me to. I did my best to be kind and faithful despite and in spite of everything. Within me was a burning desire to offer myself to Him. In return, I saw how God favored me. He made me trust Him by answering almost all my prayers. He made me feel His love by giving me the best things in the world . . . until I got to college.

I fell out of love with God during college. Everything turned simply the opposite of my highschool life; things did not go as I planned. My life then was a bad mixture of seemed-to-be-unending stress, heaps of problems, and well, some tinge of confusion. I was outstretching my arms out to God, but felt like He wasn't there for me any longer. T'was like a thick cloud was hindering my prayers from reaching heaven. I changed . . . a lot - not only in terms of faith but also in will and character. I hated myself. I knew I wasn't becoming the person I wanted to be.

But it didn't stop there, thankfully. One day, everything suddenly fell back into place. T'was like I banged my head on the wall - I woke up, hurt, but this time, felt better. I never thought that falling out of love of God would make me learn how to truly love Him. I realized that I've never really loved God in highschool - not as sincerely as I should have been. There was this hidden selfishness in me. I realized I wasn't mature enough to really know what "loving God" was. I reckon, I was just in love with the idea of me loving God, and not really doing the act of loving God Himself. 

I realized that such kind of love was the hardest thing to do, and the best yet most difficult way to achieve it is to have that sense of "nothingness". Mother Teresa said that for God to fill You in, you need to empty yourself first. I remember, I prayed for that nothingness before I entered college. I prayed to feel it because I wanted to grow in faith. I realized, God granted it. 

Now, there left the question, "Should I push through with sisterhood?" Maybe not now. Not now that I just learned how to truly love God. There's still too much to learn in the outside world. Maybe not now. Not now that He seems to be calling me for another vocation, and my family apparently needs my help. Maybe not now. Not now that I know I can still serve God without leaving my loved ones behind. Maybe not now. Maybe. 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

It's been calling me since I was a kid.

That Voice, I surely won't forget.

It resonates in me everytime It speaks.

It echoes the desires of my heart.

It brightens up my world.

That Voice, which I heard one holy night.

It used to bring me in ecstasy.

Now, It pierces me in the heart.

I once was decided to bring it on until the end.

I planned to follow that Voice.

I dreamed of prostrating myself in front of the altar,

and of wearing that ring of infinity.

I imagined myself in a habit,

and holding my rosary near to my heart.

I was determined to give it all up,

just to follow that Voice

which I heard one holy night.

However, one day, the heavens suddenly changed;

the sun went to sleep,

and the sky turned red and gray.

T'was not a bad sunset, nonetheless.

My world topsy-turvied,

and the Voice seemed to change itself

to something a lot more real

and equally wonderful.

I never thought that something impossible

could ever be this concrete and possible.

My thick wall got penetrated,

and my heart was enfettered.

Everything drastically changed

beautifully yet with more difficulty.

I more than enjoyed his company.

And essentially, I felt that life could go on

even with him, only.

After this, there came the storm.

I got no shade; I got nowhere to go.

I was all wet, cold and undecided.

I ran as fast as I could until I knew I had to face it.

From the dark sky, roared a thunder.

That same Voice shook the ground, asking

"Which to choose, and which to give up?

Where to go, and what to leave?"

I sat down and pressed my legs against my chest.

There I was, amid the cold heavy rain, lost in reverie.

There I was, stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Which calling should I respond to,

a vocational life, entirely offered to God

or a life with someone I love with the love of God?