Trust Me.

Trust me.

Trust me in the stillness of everything.

Where there is calmness and peace, there I am moving.

Feel my presence.

Hear my whispers.

Trust me.

How many times should I prove my love for you?

Embrace this moment's uncertainty,

and have faith in me.

I know your heart.

Just trust me.

I love you, child.

Trust in my heart.

I promise, I have great plans for you.

Know that I've been listening to your prayers,

and I'm working on it.

Trust me.

Snowflake

One night, the dark sky cracked and chinks of light seeped out of it.

Slowly, the light ate away the darkness.

It grew into morning.

And I'm cherishing this morning.

Every inch of it.

I've never inhaled air this deep.

I look at each moment's particle on my hands and it's beautiful.

Each moment's like a snowflake - pristine, unique and melting.

I can only imagine the thrill of having to explore, to unravel, and to appreciate its magnificence for a short while.

Then it melts.

And it vanishes.

Then it's gone forever.

And it's okay.

Peace Within

Heaven is inside us.

I can feel it here, deep within me. It's alive. I can smell the sweet scent of its green grass. I can see its ardent sun. I can hear its birds singing. Everything in heaven is beautifully placed. Everything's calmly moving. Everything's alright.

Everything's alright even when things seem to be in havoc outside its barriers, for heaven does not believe that what doesn't feel good or isn't beautiful is all evil. It could just be a crinkle in a cloth, a knot in a hem, or a bump on a road. Like happiness, pain is just one of the ingredients of a succulent life.

Everything's still alright, for our meaningful memories are embedded in heaven's walls. Anytime, we can cling on them and dwell on them instead on the energy-wasting, unhelpful ones. Heaven never forgets beauty that's why it's beautiful.

Everything's still alright, for heaven has a welcoming, accepting, gratifying and loving atmosphere. Heaven is grace-filled 'cause it finds goodness in each situation. Ugly things pass through heaven and come out radiant.

Everything's still alright, for heaven is forever at peace.

Heaven is our peace within.

Uncertainty

I am in a journey I didn't wish to start,

and I can see not where I am heading.

My map seems to point to Paradise though,

for the road lies in the Calvary

of bombarding uncertainty

and answered prayers,

but it's the same Calvary of dark abyss

where things are beyond my control,

where there's God's ringing silence,

and where I can only trust His heart.

I am in a journey I didn't wish to start,

and I can see not where I am heading,

so I just keep my eyes looking heavenward,

and my arms outstretched in worship.

I hold only to my faith, to the signs,

to my pain, and to my dreams.

I hold only to God's promises,

to that future, hope and prosperity.

I am in a journey I didn't wish to start.

I can see not where I am heading, but it's fine
for everyday I pray to God for surprises
and keeping things hidden and secret in the meantime
would make the unraveling a lot worthwhile.
Perhaps, God wants me to see
not the end of this journey, for all its worth,

so I could focus not on the end rewards

but on the beauty of the pilgrimage.

One True Love

Make my words thick with wisdom, Oh Lord,

and my songs of praise taste sweet in my lips.

May whatever comes out from the depths of my heart

be a fragrant scent to Your nose

and to the one You've prepared for me.

May we feel Your warmth as our eyes lock

and our hearts beat with the same passion for You.

Lord, we place our hands in Yours.

I pray that You bring us together

once we both brave the path of Adam and Eve

and abandon all other paths yet not ruefully,

once we're healed enough to touch each other's scars

when we run out of wisdom and strength,

and once we're ready to love each other for eternity

and to love You yet for more than our eternity.

In God's Perfect Time

Should I wait for green leaves to dry,

or for many storms to stop pelting down?

Then I will.

Should I wait for the orange-drenched sky,

or for a gold to lose its luster?

Then I will.

Should I wait for my bones to go a bit brittle,

or for my falling hair to grow thick as a roll of yarn?

Then I will.

Should I wait until the soles of my shoes go thin,

or 'til my nails grow long and be cut for the nth time?

Then I will.

If this is what it takes for God to align the stars

and get me a ride on the moon prepared,

then I will wait.

I will, as long as I behold that sunshine in my mind,

that morning when I would finally wake up

and breathe in the air I am waiting for.

I will, as long as I hold dear the fact

 that after a seemingly endless wait,

in God's perfect time,

what'll be in my arms 

will be perpetually worthwhile.

Reading for its sake

One day, I found myself deliberately reading faster than I used to.

I was hurriedly leafing the book's pages, I couldn't absorb the words well enough. I was in a rush to finish it because I was too excited to read the next book in line. I also thought it wasn't good for my writing as the author's writing style was far from my taste. It wasn't stimulating my creativity and thus was uninviting to the muse.

I couldn't afford to put the book away and just erase it in my list though. I wanted to finish it. The fact that it fell on to my hands, it was giving me the chance to know its insides. I didn't want to miss whatever it could offer. It certainly was a good book just as I thought in the other days. But I was in a hurry, and I realized that reading it this way is the same as not reading it.

So I closed the book, kept it and promised that I'll get back to it when I'm ready to indulge myself in its beauty again.

Strength of the Blemished

I come before You, Lord,

I, who is a selfish creature.

I own thoughts of greed by nature

and desires that solely benefit myself.

I aim for approval as much as

I grip the concept of self-worth.

I am weak, Lord, as much as this 

vale of soul-making needs me to be.

But I am glad to behold

such imperfections in the mirror,

for I won't touch what I don't know exists,

and thus change what I don't acknowledge.

Oh, I am weak yet I rejoice!

Because as long as I hold this fact,

You, O Lord, provides for me,

and my strength will be unceasing.

What's at the end of your road?

Most of us have eyes focused on prestige and material wealth.

We want to be proud of ourselves, to be looked up to.

We try too hard to stretch our arms out and grab as much of these as we can,

and find a valid reason to put forward our pompous selves.

But often, we forget how common this road has already been taken.

Superstars.

Great scientists.

Famous poets.

Internationally competent employees.

Successful businessmen.

100 richest people in the world.

And then what?

Turns out, these people are actually in the same journey as ours.

They're also stretching their arms out to reach something.

Love?

Happiness?

Healthy relationships?

Peace?

The world is a thirsty and soulless creature,

that vacuums life from the sources standing on it.

So if we'd depend on the world as much as it depends on us,

it'll give us endless quests, mazes with dead ends,

and the pain of having countless question marks in our heads.

Probably it's time to swerve, to shift our focus on

that narrow path laying dusty on our side.

Walk that road which few people take.

They said it's difficult, but it's worth it.

For even though it seems impossible for a camel

to go through the eye of a needle,

the Shepherd would certainly reward his faithful flock,

a reward greater than the greatest reward this world can offer,

something that is nourishing, calming and perpetually satisfying.

'Cause the fact is, it is what's at end of the road that'll last.

Quintessence

To be loved, my dear, 

may not be the essence of life

for it could be selfishness to think solely

of what the world puts on your hands.

It is rather a need, undoubtedly,

to feel that you're in somebody's heart,

for knowing your worth

can keep you alive.

To be loved, indeed,

isn't the quintessence of life,

for it's often about choosing between 

saving your own skin and sacrifice.
But still, how vital it is!

For it is through receiving

that you learn to give,

it is through being consoled

that you learn to console,

and it is through being loved

that you learn to love.

And that, my dear,

is the essence of life.

Flash of Inspiration

I've never seen the sun shining that bright.

It was warm and calming,

and it sent fire into my heart.

Then that fire kept on burning.

It seemed akin to the first time some rays were upon me

Yet this time, it was lighter,
more peaceful and more beautiful.

Everything seemed to be set in the right place.

It grew, and got warmer and warmer

until it crept into my bones, my heart, my mind.

It has been with me all the time ever since.

It nourishes me, inspires me,
and forces me to become better.

Until this sinks in and disperses, 

I'll move forward, upward.

Someday, I'll touch that sun and won't burn,

for by then we'll be sharing the same warmth.

How to Make Life Flavorful

Flavorful.

I used to think of food whenever I heard of the word 'flavorful.' Well, I still do but now, on an entirely different perspective. After reading a few articles and hearing a number of talks that use this adjective to describe work, relationship and life as a whole, adding flavor has become my daily goal.

I once attended a seminar about prayer and the speaker told us that continuously adding flavor to our prayer hour can strengthen our relationship with God. She said that she wakes up at a certain time in the morning each day, goes to a particular room, and spends an hour or two with God. Basically, what she does is she reads the Bible first, then prays intently, then does journal writing. Imagine yourself doing this same routine for one whole year or more. There's nothing wrong with it, of course; but perhaps sooner or later, you would forget its essence and merely do it out of habit. It's usually how our mind and body work. Nevertheless, the speaker chose to give her seemingly dull prayer hour a twist. From time to time, she changes a bit a few things such as:

• Instead of just sitting with eyes closed while praying, she plays her guitar and sings songs of worship to the Lord;
• She still reads the Bible but this time, moves on to reading a devotional or inspirational book afterwards;
• How about a background music while writing a journal?
• She prays while peacefully taking sips of her morning coffee as if God is her morning buddy.

Interesting, isn't it? I say, this is insightful creativity. Why have I never thought of doing this? I reckon, maybe such things are very basic but not apparent. Ever since, my thinking has been 'there is more to it than there seemed on the surface.' Flavorful. Usually, the most luscious ingredients settle at the bottom. You got to dig it, scoop it then stir it whole to make the food more delectable.

Elsewhere, adding flavor isn't just about being creative and initiating changes. It could also mean taking delight in new things such as involving yourself in something/somewhere you've never been such as:

• joining a friendly organization,
• attending an interesting talk or seminar,
• going to a retreat with people you don't know.
• traveling to different places,
• studying a diploma course or an online course, 
• or watching alone in a movie house.

Fancy up your calendar with colorful post-its, multicolor pen, photos, or anything that would remind you of what to look forward to. Flavorful. Put more spices on your schedule and wake up each day with a smile on your face.

If you're currently having a bad taste of life, be thankful! It's your chance to become the best cook existing, for a good cook can make good food but the best cook can turn a bad-tasting dish into a palatable one.

Defeating the Writer's Block

Break the silence and crack some words.

Go, put bits of your soul into these pages.

Allow that writer in you squeeze herself out

of your warring heart and mind.

Let her decide what is worth a piece,

for she can say what color comes out

from amalgamated black and white.

No need to take sides 

'cause she can see through gray and define it.

Tell its name and you defeat the writer's block.

Confusion.

Let me start at that.

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

It's fine if you're not.

Really, it's fine. 

Don't worry about me, or about what I'll think of you.

I understand you, somehow. 

If you think you're weak, well, I can't say you're wrong.

We have moments of weakness, even the bravest soldier does.

What matters is that you're trying, trying to make things go well for you, 

to be happy, to be grateful, to be busy, to be, yeah, okay.

But of course, we can get tired from trying. 

When good things haven't pervaded your insides yet, it won't be easy.

It won't be natural. Not yet.

And it will always sap out your energy.

It does, for now.

So I tell you again. 

It's fine if you're not feeling positive today, or this minute, or this hour.

Probably it's about time that you rest, that you stop trying for a while. 

Feel the pain, or loneliness, or yearning
or whatever it is that's leaving your equilibrium askew. 

Allow me to sit with you while you let the feeling sink into you again,
back around your system.

Feel it. 

Bask in its exotic beauty, for there's beauty even in disarray.

Dwell on it until you have enough.

Then release that scream that's long been pent-up in you. 

Open yourself up to that steam that's been billowing in your chest. 

Let out the words you've so long forgotten
but have buried at the back of your head.

Free yourself, my friend.

Empty yourself of these destructible things you don't deserve.

Let it all out.

You'll know when you're done.

You'll know it when you're already empty enough to receive good things again.

You'll know it when you're ready to try again,
to face another day, to fight again.

You'll know it when you've loosened your grip
on the thorns that have been keeping you wounded.

By then, I'll be happy to ask you again,
 when I know you can already genuinely say,
you're okay.

You Have Wings

I realized, I have wings.

I wasn't aware until I was forced to spread them to save my life.

You opened the cage then I looked down. The ground seemed so far below me. I looked back at my place and stepped backward. I thought that if you wanted me free, it wasn't possible. I'd fall and die if I'd get out of my cage. I decided to stay for a while but not for so long.

Not long enough 'cause the moment you opened the door, you forgot about me. You stopped feeding me. You stopped giving me water to drink. You never visited me again for chitchats or quick tickles. You never even laid your eyes on me again. I became non-existent. Non-existent to your world, at least.

Because looking out, I could see a bigger world - the vast sky, steep mountains, blue ocean and wide terraces. I wondered, how much could it offer? I was thin and starving. I was thirsty. I was yearning. I still waited though. I waited until I turned skin and bones with scorched tongue and weak heart.

Then one day, I breathed deeply. I knew I deserved to live, to be cared for, to be happy. I looked at the sky. It was calm and radiant. I turned ahead of me, to the opened door. Hey, I was free. Rather, I could be free. What are the possibilities? So with renewed strength, I closed my eyes and bent my knees. Then like a springboard, I jumped out of the cage with all my might.

I jumped as high and far as I could, trusting that something from the huge world would catch me. But nothing did even brush my skin. I felt nothing. Not even a bump. I heard not even a thump. I opened my eyes.

I was on top of everything, almost touching the sky. I was free. Oh, I could fly!

I realized, I have wings.

Off the Cliff

I've reached the edge, at last!

I used to be afraid of falling,

but I am now in a point

where I can care no longer

about where the wind would take me

or if I'd die or survive with broken bones.

I just want to get away from here,

from this beautifully ruined place,

from the memories embedded

up to its dust and ashes.

This place has died long ago.

No more green leaves or tall trees,

no more clean air or water,

no more warmth in houses,

no more hope nor love.

But there's another place,

another side, another destiny,

waiting for me.

Is it down there?

Then I would have to fall

and get hurt.

However, if it's that one across,

then God would surely make me fly.

Nevertheless, one thing is for sure,

I've reached the edge, at last!

It's time to leave everything behind

and step off of the cliff,

with my arms spread like wings,

with my eyes closed,

and finally, with my heart light.

Why we can't see through His eyes

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

especially now that things are unfathomable,

and my suffering feels interminable.

What will tomorrow bring?

Is it something better, wonderful, beautiful?

What is ahead of me that I cannot see?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord

because all I could see now is a huge boulder.

Should I cross over? It could be too steep.

Should I crush it? It could take me years.

Should I change my path? I could be wrong.

Would whatever lies behind be worth it?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

for I see nothing now but thick fog and black smoke.

Everything seems like a chaotic blur.

Truly, whatever's painful to behold, the eyes distort.

How vivid things are for You, Lord?

What is it that I fail to see?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord.

Bring me hope. Give me light!

Tell me what's on the other side.

Tell me how the story ends.

And then what? Would I be happier?

No, the question is, would it make me wiser?

I wish I could see through Your eyes, Lord,

but if I could, what would be there to believe in?

If I could, would I be stronger?

If I could, would I still strive to become better?

If I could, would my love for You get deeper?
If I could, would I realize what matters most?

Rock Bottom

That night, I was crying my heart out. 

All there was was darkness, and cold rocks, and dead ends. For the first time in my life, I was sure I had hit the rock bottom. It felt like life was slowly being pulled out of me. Pain was brimming in my heart. It was akin to dying.

I grieved until my eyes went swollen, my cheeks wet, and my lips salty. Exhausting. I shook my head. I didn't want to stop. No. I didn't want to, until I turned my head and saw Him. 

I saw Jesus. He, who had a crown of thorns. He, who was almost drowned by the pool of his own blood. Jesus was defaced inside and out.

I looked closely. Jesus' face was a taut mask of pain, yet when his eyes met mine I felt the warmth of His love in my heart. Then I saw his dried lips parting, then muttering, "Elaine, I am with you in this suffering."

When it is still the right word

It was just too great, I was at a loss for words.

I found out, only my tears could carry its substance,

and I could only be appeased through silent prayers.

Pain is not the right word but something more than that.

It was deep, dull and numbing.

Sometimes, it could be very sharp

that I didn't even notice I was broken into pieces.

No, pain isn't the right word.

All I knew was it was too great, I looked okay.

It started the morning after that one fine day,

when I knew I had to start facing atypical days

'cause you're no longer in it.

Every dream I had wafted away, deferred.

It crushed me or something more than that.

It was too unbearable that it kindled a fire of hope in me.

I suddenly felt that God's eyes were on me, on us,

and He knew my heart, your heart.

Then it dawned on me what word I was looking for.

I guess, I just had it in another form, but still...

love is the right word.

Coldness

I'm embracing this coldness,

such that was brought by the wind

and flowing water.

I want to feel it, keep it,

breathe it in deep in my lungs,

then see it take form out of my breath.

This coldness, that came after 

those painfully hot days

makes me glorious.

Aye, as long as I'm cold, I have glory!

Yet I know that when the time comes

that the chill stays long enough

in my bones, muscles and organs,

the glaring sun would rise

and meet me again,

and bring me new glory.

What Makes You Happy?

Today, I went home from work feeling empty. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad either. I doubt I was even somewhere in between. I just felt nothing.

I decided not to end my day that way, though. I really wanted to make the day great but I only had the night left for me, so I just wished I'd have a great night. Immediately, I ran to my diary and wrote, "What makes me happy?"

Then I remembered what makes me happy. 

1. Hobbits. I thank Tolkien for inventing hobbits. They're really amazing middle earth creatures. Often, I would imagine myself walking along Shire with huge hairy foot. I would think of how simple life is in there, waking up in a nice sunny morning and freely running with woods, water and sweet smelling grass around. Usually, I'd sit at my desk, get my pen and think I'm Bilbo Baggins writing my tales. 

2. "It's a good life, Hazel Grace." The first time I read this line from John Green's The Fault in our Stars, I wondered if Augustus was right. What is it that he saw in life that makes him say it's actually good? I sought for answers until I realized that John Green meant nothing deep about it. Everything is simply beautiful. And that it's a privilege to merely step onto this world and experience everything it offers - good food, good shelter, good family and friends, good weather, good books, good sleep and more. There are challenges, of course, but they are only to put some flavor. Often, all we have to do is to look around and be thankful.

3. My God up there has already laid His great plans on my timeline. All I have to do is to keep moving until I walk through all of them. I can't wait for God's surprises. Bo Sanchez, in his Take Charge Give All, said that each day is a seed. It's either you plant the seed or throw it. I may not have planted all my seeds but I'm confident I'll grow those that I did. I know God made sure they were laid in the best soil possible. Oh, I just can't wait to see my seeds full-grown and bearing fruits!

Just thinking about these things, I could say that it's been a great night! Indeed, all I needed was a good mindset. Now, I could look up my list every now and then. How about you, what makes you happy?

When God makes you an educator

You placed me here.

I had been asking for a job where I could serve You well, and You placed me here.

Help me keep my eyes on You, Lord. Always remind me that my ultimate goal is love, and that love has a beauty my whole being would willingly drench in. I want to put more soul in every work of my hands. I want to have You in everything that I do.

I'm going to be an educator. I'm going to teach innocent minds, touch pure hearts and guide vulnerable hands. Lord, as early as now, I'm placing them not on my palms but on Yours. I am not in any way deserving to hold such precious lives, but I want to serve You and this is one way I could.

Use me. Mold me into an angel who uses her wings to lift spirits, her warm hands to assure security, her halo to always make the right decisions and her words to bring enlightenment. Make me my students' angel.

I trust You, Lord. And so now, I declare, I won't just be an educator but I'll be the best educator as You know I could be.

Amen.

One Rainy Night

Cry with me, O moon

amid this drear starless night.

Breathe it out like the furious wind,

shout as loud as the roaring thunder,

flood this earth with tears.

The nature would understand us.

This world is diseased beyond all healing.

It isn't as peaceful as we are in reverie.

We will always be bombed with insults,

burnt alive with hate,

and destroyed by pain.

It will always try to mar our beauty.

So let's grieve tonight for all that we've lost.

And when our eyes bring tears no more,

our mouths already parched,

and our hearts weary,

we will lay down to rest.

We will lay down to rest.

Why don't you love reading books?

Reading books used to bore me.

I'm not a born book lover. It's not the first tool I held when I was a kid. I honestly thought that reading was a waste of time. How could you be sitting all day with just a book in your hands (Perhaps, you could now imagine how energetic I was when I was a kid)?

I remember, we used to have a mini library inside the house. By "mini" I mean the last (bottom) drawer in the filing cabinet. It was filled with books such as Goosebumps, fairy tale books and a lot of "choose your own adventure." We (my sisters and cousins) even made this cute hello kitty library card with our names on it. I can recall, my sisters used their library cards a lot. And I think I used mine once.

Looking at myself today, I can say that my perspective turned topsy turvy. If you would open my bag any day during the week, you would see a book in it. I always bring a book with me not because I want to put weight on my bag and build muscles but because I tend to read everytime I find a slightest dead time. Today, I am that kind of kid that the little Elaine thought was boring because I could manage to sit or stay in a corner all day with just a book in my hands. Suddenly, reading itself becomes a dwelling place for me. I love it.

It all started when I finished college. Fountainhead fell on my hands, then Mitch Albom's, then Paulo Coehlo's, then more classics especially Sherlock Holmes (my faaavorite!) and then self-help's. I cannot say it's the exact order but I'm certain it started with Fountainhead by Ayn Rand (Oh, just how I adored Howard Roark!) and was ignited by Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (That genius everybody knows is rude is actually a face of passion). Later on, I found myself cherishing the aroma of freshly printed pages and sensing the weight of the book in my palms. I just developed a vice, and it's a good one.

Suddenly, I came to appreciate how a book brings me to places, such where I've never been and will ever be; how it lets me meet new people, who I know aren't real but feels otherwise; how it personally involves me in somebody else's life without actually intervening or affecting it; and how it can totally put me into somebody's mind and body and feel what he/she feels, see what he/she sees and think what he/she thinks.

It's strange, isn't it? It's like intentionally triggering autism whatsoever. But actually, books helped me keep my sanity in the real world. They opened my eyes, widened my perspective and deepened my thinking. Why that effect? Because books are just the written version of some people's thoughts. However, the magic of words makes a reader take a peek inside these people's heads. What if that's the head of a genius?

Your Haven

I want to be your haven,

here, in my arms,

in the warmth of my embrace,

where you can rest,

where you can be sure of your safety.

I want to be your haven,

where you can breathe out all your pain,

frustrations and disappointments;

where you gather strength and courage.

I want to be your haven,

where you'll be nourished;

where you'll feel your worth,

see your beauty and goodness

and get to believe in yourself.

I want to be your haven,

even just your haven.

And so everytime you have to leave,

 I will just watch you go,

with a trusting heart,

with complete surrender.

But if ever you find another haven,

yet in the end, still find your way to me,

I promise you

that my doors will be widely open,

and still be your haven.

Hot weather? Think of snow and rain.

Peace

She locked the front door and set off for a walk.

To where, she wasn't sure.

She just wanted to walk her thoughts away.

It was her rest day.

She got a lot of things to do,

but she can't work without peace of mind. 

A gentle wind grazed her skin.

It was a bit cold.

Thank God,

it was such a nice cloudy morning.

"Creak!"

Some dried brown leaf crushed heavily beneath her boot.

Everything seemed like in slow motion,

- the cars, the people around and even the birds in the air.

She wondered.

She brought nothing with her save herself,

but things felt heavy on her shoulders.

She was a little light-headed though.

As she trod the road, the trees swayed their branches 

as if dancing, as if greeting her.

Together, they made music.

She closed her eyes and

listened to the flattering of their leaves.

She lifted her head to meet the sunrays.

Slowly, she felt the heaviness fading.

Nature.

Indeed, there's peace in nature.

Suddenly, something cold fell on her face.

She opened her eyes and wiped it away.

Fluid.

A cold fluid.

Another one fell onto her palm.

Ice crystal.

A snowflake.

* * *

Books

Have you looked up the sky today?

Do you love clouds? Well, I do.

I remember when my parents and I traveled to Baguio by car. I laid myself down on the back seat, facing the window. Then I looked at the clouds. They seemed to be keeping a gaze on me while we were running. Everything else below whizzed by so fast - trees, electric lines, houses - everything! While the clouds stayed on my sight and calmly got out of it.

I raised my hand and drew the outline of their curves with my index finger. I formed figures of birds, dolphin, fish and the like. I thought, looking at the sky is like having a glimpse of heaven. I had in my mind a picture of ascension: Jesus, with arms outstretched, went up to heaven. Heaven is above. Sky is above. Hence, sky is where heaven could be.

It was a long bumpy journey to Baguio. Yet, with such a refreshing sight, I fell into sleep peacefully and smiling.

That was years ago. When I got older, I rarely looked up the sky. I became too absorbed with those things that whiz by so fast - people, job, school, goals, pleasure. I started living with these things knowing that they would change and they could go. But I kept a grip on them tightly. I walked through the path to my dreams with them slipping from my hands, and me, trying to catch them. It was exhausting. It was painful. At the end of the day, I might've had everything altogether, but I would feel empty inside.

Look up. I realized that I must not forget to look up the sky again, to gaze at the clouds, to have a glimpse of heaven. When the road gets bumpy or when the waiting gets too long or when I can no longer catch up with a busy world, I must remember that there's something more than this; that above, there remains a cloud calmly moving across the sky; and that there is a God who went up to heaven with arms outstretched, light and unburdened. Perhaps, it's one way to heaven - letting go and surrendering.

My friend, have you looked up the sky today?

He, who truly loves

Oh, how I wish I could caress Your cheeks,

and look lovingly on You,

- straight in Your eyes!

I want You to feel how much I love You

and how I love loving You.

You are utterly beautiful, Lord.

Your presence feels warm in my soul.

Because of You, I feel like

I have too much love to give

that sometimes,

my heart's like bursting!

But give me strength, Lord.

A whole lot of it!

For I know that this brings pain

just as much.

Fill me with wisdom,

calm my spirit,

appease my soul!

Prepare me, my Lord,

for a long purpose-driven journey

for now, I can see myself

treading this world

with a loving heart,
but with You, Lord.
Yes, with you!
You, who truly loves.

Not the same as before

That space was left empty long enough for her not to be afraid of losing.

Its emptiness has become part of her body rhythm.

She used to be happy merely with waking up in the morning,
and remembering that somebody loves her.

When everything turned uncontrollably otherwise,
that happiness melted and evaporated to thin air.

She was left wounded and bled almost to death,
yet she stood up and regained strength.

Slowly, she saw what has always been there for her.

She felt the warmth of sunrays on her face,
she recognized the fragrance of flowers,
and she saw promising hope in the sky.

Certainly, everything changed.

It's just his world changed first.

That space filled with the old, dependent and feeble kind of happiness
was replaced with an impenetrable and indestructible one.

She's free.

She's happier.

She's tougher.

She's wiser.

She's gonna be great.

She's me.

I Believe in Infinity

At about quarter to 5 in the morning,

I saw the moon and realized 

that it's actually 384,400 kilometers away from the earth.

I then gazed at the black sky that surrounded it,

and marveled at the fact that

I'm actually seeing a glimpse of what is far beyond the earth.

I realized, I was seeing infinity in its concrete form.

I swerved my gaze ahead of me,

and beheld an extension of that same black sky.

I then thought that if I would clear the world

with buildings and anything that obstruct my view ahead,

I'd clearly see infinity not just above me

but around me.

I then woke up from reverie and smiled.

I remembered, infinity is where God is.

What Your Heart Contains

You can command your body through your mind.

You can command your mind through your heart.

Whatever your heart contains can command it.

What can command the heart is whatever it contains.

Through your heart, you can command your mind.

Through your mind, you can command your body.

Warmth

I'm lifting up my sincerest thanks to You, Lord!

Today, I hope that as I look up the sky,

my smile would beam the heavens.

I woke with Your embrace in the cold morning,

the first warmth I felt before sunrise.

The moment my mother saw me open my eyes, 

she sang me a Happy Birthday.

I thought it may almost be akin to the first time

she saw me open my little eyes to the world.

My sister whom I slept beside with

gently touched my head as a greeting.

My eldest sister gave me a crazy song and dance number.

My father greeted me and rejoiced with me

as I faced a day of birthday leave.

When I picked up my phone and unlocked it,

more greetings, I love you's, 

and heartfelt messages welcomed me. 

Unworthy I was, for I never thought I am that loved. 

I know it was a teaching on gratitude,  Lord. 

Oh, my mornings never felt that warm!

Lord, You've walked with me through these years,

rocky, steep or narrow the paths had been.

You have never left me,

nor lifted Your gaze upon me.

Certainly, even by the time my memory fails me, 

I won't forget the warmth of Your hands. 

Your hands that molded me, 

the first that touched my cheek when I was born. 

Your hands that held me and helped me to my feet 

when I was learning to walk.

Your hands that comforted me when I was in pain.

Your hands that tapped my back when I was feeling down. 

Your hands that're holding mine now

as I continue to tread the earth.

Lord, if there's one thing I must celebrate on my birthday,

it's the fact that You chose me,

me against the infinite possibility!

This feeble sinful me,

who You knew would hurt you,

but still chose to share Your warmth with.

One day, I dreamed to be truly loved by a man.

One day, I dreamed to be truly loved by a man.

A man who may be way different from me,

but understands me.

He, who takes pleasure in our differences,

and is willing to make compromises.

A man who may be different from me

in many or some aspects, but shares my faith.

He, who is a lover of God.

A man who brings me closer to God.

He, who reminds me of how loving God is

just by making me feel loved himself.

A man who thinks I am lovable,

beautiful despite all imperfections.

But of course, he, who makes me feel that I truly am.

A man whom I can come to when I'm lonely,

or disappointed, or angry, or frustrated,

and won't judge me for how I feel.

He, who would try to appease me

because he cares.

A man who does not hide the truth.

He, who is secured with the truth,

and prepared to face the truth.

A man who makes time for me,

who proves that he wants to be with me.

He, who makes way for us

without excuses, only pure desire.

A man who takes pride on my achievements

or little successes.

He, who supports my dreams,

and motivates me towards them.

A man who may lose his temper,

but does his best to keep his cool.

He, who, at the end of it all, prioritizes

to not hurt me in any way.

Most of all, a man who is decided to love me.

He, who stands by that decision

and would be happy to stay with me

come hell or high water.

I prayed for wisdom

I whole-heartedly pray for wisdom, Lord,

for I believe that everything starts with it.

This wisdom will give me faith - a strong one.

Because wisdom will say why I should believe.

This wisdom will teach me courage.

Because she will provoke me to do the right thing

and tell me why I must not fear.

This wisdom will give me strength,

strength to endure all suffering.

She will remind me why I should not give up.

This wisdom will give me happiness,

profound happiness.

Because she will keep good insights going in my mind.

This wisdom will give me peace,

a peace that can't be destroyed;

the kind that is impenetrable.

Because wisdom will serve as its shield.

Grant me wisdom, Lord.

But most of all, grant me unceasing love for it.

Amen.

I missed riding an airplane

When I was a kid, every time my eyes caught an airplane flying high in the sky, I would wonder how I'd be just like a speck of dirt or a dot from the eyes of those who peered out of their window that time. Then I would draw the shape of the slowly moving tiny figure in between my fingers, amazed by how a-once-gigantic vehicle suddenly turned measly and weak and manipulable on my fingertips.

And so, whenever my mother and I (or sometimes with my sisters and father too), rode an airplane, I usually would assert my way near the window. I was so excited to see the world at a top view that I could not afford to lose my chance.

Once the plane took off, I'd smile, brace myself and wait for the pressure to build in my ear. I would know that we were above the earth once things felt smooth underneath and my ears completely blocked. While faking a yawn, I'd turn my head towards the window. And alas! I'd see everything below suddenly turning into a wide doll world. The higher we got, the more slow-moving, easier and manageable things became.

I missed riding an airplane. Now that I've grown older, I feel like I've forgotten how things look from the top view. The world have gotten too big and complicated - sometimes, even too huge to understand. There are moments when I feel like the earth's above me, or at my shoulders, or like I'm buried deep in a mud. Everything has turned fast, difficult and overwhelming.

From time to time, I feel like I need to see that wide doll world again. I need to remember how it is to see at a top view, where everything's slow-moving, easy and manageable. However, this time, it's my life, my world that I want to look at. How does my world move, looking from the top view? How are my relationships going? How about my work? My school? My faith? My decisions? Myself? How about conflicts? Tasks? Responsibilities?

Probably, beholding life from above would make my hands seem big enough to do all the revamps - put houses in their proper places, turn buildings around, push mountains a little farther, re-paint walls with a single stroke and clean all trash with one grab. Yeah, just like that.

I missed riding an airplane, but I cannot now. However, I could close my eyes anytime and imagine myself going up, up and up! And perhaps, once I open my eyes, everything will seem possible.